Chronicles of A Down Low Brotha

Caught Between Two Worlds

Thursday, December 30, 2010

I Must Have Been Out of My Mind

Anyone that knows me knows that Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year and by far my favorite holiday.  Yet this Christmas, I don't know things were different.  I wasn't my usual jolly self, I didn't overexert myself with Christmas shopping nor did I spend a lot of money!  Yet it was very nice to see all of the eye candy that was in the malls, outlets and stores.  I was wondering, where did these fine ass brothas come from?  Do they actually live here!!??  hahaha.....yes I was looking on the sly..... For some reason though while shopping in the packed mall, a feeling of nervousness and paranoia came over me, a feeling that I might see someone I didn't want to see or know.  You know you get that feeling when you go somewhere, "i'm gonna see somebody I know."  Well I saw "Braxton," we nodded at each other as we passed on the escalators...then he smiled sneakily.  I remember that sneaky grin, which is what got me in trouble back in the day.  I went on to finish getting the little things i was going to buy but seeing him brought a flashback.... 
As I was doing my Christmas shopping I couldn't help but remember the fun time I had with "Braxton" in the mall. Even more crazy is that I saw him in the very same mall... This prompted me to think.  Today I thought about some of the crazy things that I've done in my life, and how I've taken risks just for a few moments of pleasure....LOL Thinking on it made me hard but it also said thank God i didn't get caught because I must have been out of my mind.  I have since slowed my roll and have not been too risque to say the least.  I'd rather be a freak inside than rather in the public...

But a few years ago, I met this Tall (6'3") lightskinned tall & lightskinned, are my weaknesses.  This guy happened to be a Academic Dean at a local university.  Well we had talked off and on via phone and chatted online. We decided to take the conversation offline and finally meet in person.

I just so happened to be at the mall getting a birthday gift that day, when I received a text asking "where r u?"  i replied and said @ the mall wassup?  he replied "i'm two minutes from the mall, you gonna stay there and lemme see u?"  i replied "sure, but gotta be quick, got shyt 2 do"

Five minutes later we were meeting in front of Lord & Taylor, and he was smiling from ear to ear.  I said what the fuck is so funny...  Braxton said well i'm just surprised you let me see you.  He did a once over and took a sneak peak at my ass and whispered, "damn, u got a phatty...lemme get some of that before you go to your party."  I laughed and said, "Dude u crazy, i'm nowhere near my house or yours."  He then said let's go into a dressing room or a bathroom..."Dude even more crazy, I'm not getting arrested either."  But the temptation was strong and my dick was getting hard thinking about freaking with this fine ass nigga in the mall, and not getting caught.

Braxton coerced me and we ended up headed to one of the department stores bathroom.   He went in first and I followed about 3 minutes later.  Fortunately it was a bathroom with lots of stalls and he opted for the very last one, you know the handicap stall.  Once i got in the stall, he pulled out his dick and I started sucking... he was moaning and sighing like the head was out of this world.. I kept pinching him  and telling him to be quiet.  A few patrons came in the bathroom, pissed, and left and in between people coming in, we stopped  and quietly kissed while he groped my ass and balls.  I started giving him head again like the shit was going out of style...Braxton started to squirt and I quietly moved so he could shoot in the toilet, and so he wouldn't get any cum on my clothes LOL

We kissed a few times after and we fixed our clothes and then left. I enjoyed so much the freaky side that he brought out of me, but don't think I would chance it again..... I nervously walked out of the bathroom, thinking I must have been out of my mind......

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Random Thoughts....

Thought 1 - I'll be glad when this christmas charade is over.... why is it that everytime a holiday comes around we are supposed to act like Dick and Jane, all on one accord and shit, and ignore the fact that we basically tolerated, cussed out, and fought each other the last 11 months of the year.

Thought 2 - How come every time December come around...we need to start making damn new years' resolutions about how we going to fix shit and stop hurting one another!?  my thought is you shut the hell up, leave me the hell alone!  and stop living life like its golden!  cause its really bronze......

Thought 3 - How is it that what you really want always seems so far away?  How is it that what you want never really wants you the way you want it??  How can you stop wanting something you know you really want but doesn't want you in the same manner you want it?

Thought 4 - How is it that what really wants you, you can't possibly want it the way it needs to be wanted because you're to focused on what really doesn't want you?

Thought 5 - Why is James so enamored with me?  Now he wants to buy me things and meet ALL of my needs.....  Doesn't he realize that i'm married right now?

Thought 6 - Why am I considering buying that mercedes? lol..aren't we in a recession?

Thought 7 - Why is it that when you make up your mind to focus, distractions come and demand your attention?

Thought 8 -  Where the FUCK is Markham??  disappeared on me.....i know how to take hints....

lol completely random i know...just in a weird place right now, drained physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially.....  What are some of your random thoughts??

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Its been 3 Weeks....Since We've Had Sex

"Its been 3 weeks"…..she sighed. Yeah that’s the tired and lifeless expression my wife gave me. I hadn’t even realized that the time had elapsed that much. In my head, I was thinking, how does she remember exactly how long its been?  and shit I can barely remember what the fuck happened from week to week.  I mean I'm not trying to be insensitive or not caring but shit...

Well my wife has started talking about the sex again or the lack thereof. See I’m married to a spiritual woman, who comes from a long lineage of pastor’s, clergymen, clergywomen, evangelists, and prophets (or profits if you so choose).  But through all of our ups and downs she still stays committed to trying to repair and fix the marriage.  She wants to know why i go to sleep each night without fucking her, am i no longer attracted to her, a man my age usually has a high sex drive, and the list goes on....No matter how many times I've said I was divorcing her, leaving, never coming back, how much we said we hated each other.  Even when it's time to put the petal to the metal she somehow finagles her way back to keep me locked into the marriage.  She believes in death to us part and marriage is honorable in all.  The sad part is sometimes she can make me so angry that I feel like part of me has died.  You see sometimes when you're on the down low you have to numb yourself to certain things or else you risk losing everything.  Its a give and take and somehow the women or wife in my case holds all the wild cards...

Some would say, well you're not locked in. .... be a man and if you want out then leave.  That's easier said than done.  I've always wrestled with this thing called fear of abandonment.  Not so much anymore of people leaving me, because I really love to be alone and not bothered!!  Shit a brother loves some me time... anyway but I am a loyalist, which I think sometimes works to my disadvantage.  When I connect to someone I'm their friend to the end, no matter how many times they hurt or do me wrong, I always somehow finding myself forgiving them and bringing them back close.  However, at this juncture in my life I have come to grips with understanding the fear of abandoning others who depend on me.  Whether its job, civic involvement, church, friends, kids, and even down to the marriage that I often loathe, there is a fear of leaving someone else with the responsibility that once belonged to me.  I mean I have stayed in jobs and churches out of the mere fact that I felt they needed me so I didn't leave even though I knew the expiration date for my time there had already long passed.

There have been times that we have fought and I have said some very mean things to my wife and she to me, but it never fails that when I man up and shock the fuck out of her..she wants to throw the pussy in my face as if that's going to make everything alright.  As a matter of fact that shit makes it worse, because it doesn't give me the climax I get when I'm with a man.  I mean I have had phone sex with guys that have made me bust harder than I have while fucking my wife.  When we first got married, it was never this bad. We fucked all the time!  But something has happened... I'm not as naive and young as I was then, I was able to ignore my feelings.

But my wife says, it's been 3 weeks since we've had sex.  Don't you want this pussy?  I absolutely hate to see her beg pitifully as if I'm this monster withholding the damn pipe from her.  I will say it is utterly amazing that I can still fuck her and after its over I'm thinking about another dude.  What the fuck is wrong with me.  Don't get it twisted I still love pussy and how it feels sliding up and down on my pipe, but it's just that sex. Hell I remember one time we had a huge blow out fight and she told me to leave.  Happy, I started packing my things, but when she realized what I was doing she came over and put her pussy right in my mouth.  I ate that shit for points... haha 

But when I'm with a man, somehow, the pleasure takes me to a place to where I didn't know I could achieve.  Plain and simple brothas bring out da freak in me.

Reluctantly we fucked, i busted she squirted.  I figure that will at least quiet her for a while, until she decides that its been another few weeks again.  And then the cycle will begin again.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Propensity of a Potentially Potential Possibility

For the most part, I would say that I am a very pure individual.  Pure meaning in my motives, in my character, how I look at life and its situations. I know you're probably are saying yeah right, considering the life I live. It is easy for me because of my upbringing to be very surprised when things, people, situations happen in my life that are to my liking.  I was raised in a single parent home, so my mother wasn't really a pessimist in as much as she was a realist.  Rarely did she ever get the opportunity to sit and small the roses, and rarely did she ever see the potential that life had to offer.  So when I grew up and was able to go to college and live on my own, I somewhat vowed to myself that I would be an optimist instead of being a pessimist or a realist in her words.

However after a few of life's knocks and blows...(of which there are some blows I love ;-)), you kind of somehow revert to your upbringing.  I don't know if I'm the only person that can identify with that but no matter how far, how fast, or how long we run from our past; there's always some part of it that we carry with us into our present and our future.

One thing about this lifestyle, this journey, this struggle, is that whether you like it or not, you're always searching for something, someone to complete or fill some deep seeded void that is missing in your marriage. I can honestly say that I have come to grips with my reality.  This reality is the reason why i started this blog.  I had come to a crossroads in my life, and I needed a way to express myself... It doesn't matter how many men who sleep with men say, "I just like having sex with men, but I'm not gay, and I sure as hell ain't leaving my wife", they must really admit that there is something, a connection, that you feel or you get while you're in that moment.  And it doesn't matter how hot the dude is, or how muscular he is, or how he rocks your world, really its the connection, the commonality, the bond, the sense of being wanted, desired that you are really after. 

I must admit, and I think I've said it before, but I am a very passionate person.  So I know the reason why I don't get involved in having sex with a lot of dudes anymore is because as I get older, sex becomes more than just a bust and go.....  Hmmm so when recently I came in contact with passionately and pleasurably positively potential possibility, it really began to mess with me.  Not really sure if it was a good way or a bad way or a combination of both, but nonetheless, it messed with me.  

Dreamy Nigga lol...and no this is not him

I recently met this guy, who we'll call "Markham".  I honestly had no idea that we would ever meet or talk, I just watched and enjoyed who I was learning him to be from afar.  His life is not predictable and he is amazing.  Its really amazing to me how thoughts that cross your mind somehow find your way into your reality. We have very similar stories, never met in person, other than exchange of pictures, but he is a jewel, I really don't think he knows how wonderful he is, and how sexy, fine, and just good looking.  We exchanged pictures, and I was like DAMN!!!  I could never have someone like know the kind of guy you would see in a magazine and only dream about???.  He and I share similar stories, similar tastes, and definitely similar desires.  Only problem we live 265 miles apart....Ugh....5 1/2 hours apart..  He is amazing, his voice is incredible (which is a major turn on), his eyes and lips, his swagga (which i know he has just from how he, brotha got it going on.  He is everything, I could want or desire, he's brilliant, loving, he works hard to take care of business, caring, a good father, shit...he's making me step up my game in the dad area, he's confident...he's spiritual, and did I mention he's sexy??  So the pessimist in me, was very afraid when he asked me to send me a picture.  I never thought I was very photogenic, and I absolutely hate taking pictures, and I never ever send a picture.  But he SEEMS different, so  I sent him a picture and his response was in my mind I was like, he didn't like my pic.. but then he continued with our conversations, our texts, and now my face lights up when I see his number on my caller ID.  I couldn't imagine how anyone as attractive as he is could in the least bit think that I looked nice...

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, my great grandmother used to say, "people will come and go in your life, some people are reasonal and some are seasonal.  baby, find the reasonal people and hold on to them."  You don't have to allow any season to last in your life that you don't want.  But already, i want this season to never end.  I'm not saying that he's going to leave his wife and family to be with me, that would be naive and wishful thinking, but what I am saying is that I believe and feel that he is reasonal, and I hope that if something blossoms, if something comes out of it, or if we just happen to become great friends, I hope and pray that the season he has in my life will never end....  Keep your eyes and ears open....we're in for a long ride (no pun intended) lol  Because this is potentially going to be a pleasant provocation! this muthafucka make a nigga wanna move!!  but taking is slow and sure, cause my mind keeps playing tricks on me lol

I know this post is a bit confusing and scatter brained but in the short time I've met this person, he has blown my mind, sent my imagination to places it's never been before, and given me a reason to hope.  Hope in the fact that I can make it.  So I'm a little beside myself, because yeah I've met some great people but never felt such a connection as I have these last few moments...  So i hope that i can pull my mind and thoughts together.......
Let me know your thoughts.....

Monday, December 13, 2010

Good things Come to those Who Wait?

Most people who have been on the down low, gay, or bisexual can all tell stories of having a casual sexual encounter in which it was the pits! The person has body odor, didn’t wash well, didn’t prepare well enough, or just plain didn’t know what they were doing.

Then there are those once in a blue moon encounters that leave you panting, breathing and begging for more. Wondering where has this person been hiding? Where have they been? And why did it take us so long to meet. It is the chance encounters like this that leave you wondering is it worth staying in a relationship, questioning your sexuality, and some of the choices and decisions you made in life? Am I the only one that after sorta kind of beginning to figure this thing out am like, damn I wish I would have enjoyed this sooner?  Is it possible to be so attracted and drawn to this person, after just one hot encounter?  Ever so often I decide to wait for the right thing to come along, and now I'm wondering if I've met the right thing.  And how do you possibly meet the right thing and still be married??  there is a lot of thinking to be done here.

My story….I know I've had my share of sexual encounters where you meet someone online and after a few exchanges and discussing what each other  "likes to get into" you decide well I'm horny and let's get up and see if the "vibe is right".  well we all know that is some bullshit... LOL  Well I know all of us have decided to meet someone and when we got there, they look absolutely nothing like their picture, or they are a few 100 lbs heavier than what their stats say..  as if I wasn't going to notice that the Pillsbury dough boy when you answered the door, or that crooked eye, or maybe that polio-induced limp as you walk to the door?.. I mean really??  I mean people these are things that really make you go hmmmm I'm tired of this shit.

But then there are a few chance encounters where you meet someone that will make your head spin, body quiver, and a smile come to your face just with a passing thought.  I think in my time of playing around, I could probably count on 1 hand and 2 fingers the guys that I was actually blown away by (pun intended) 
Well a few months back, before I deleted my profile on an online sex site, I was browsing around and a familiar screen name hit me up.  I know we had chatted several times online, and talked of possibly hooking up but it seemed to never work out.  Well this time was a bit different, I was online and looking and apparently so was he, the sense of urgency was there and he wanted to meet. He said he was leaving the office and to go ahead and meet him at his place... So i agreed to meet "James"

He gave me the address to his place and I put it in my GPS and was there.  I arrived at his condo downtown, which he came down to meet me in the lobby to let me up...  When I saw him, in my mind I was like damn!!  this nigga gets down??  impossible.  There is always that initial moment of insecurity where I'm wondering to myself if he's okay with me, am I attractive enough, or am I not his type.  Insecurity was off the meter this time, because he was very very attractive, about 6'3" 185 lbs, clean cut, with a smile that made me say damn, had on a shirt, a loosened tie, and some dress slacks.  He honestly reminded me of the guy in the movie Glory Road (Mechad Brooks).   He came down and looked out the door in a jokingly way, and gave me a smile, acted like he was going to walk away, then came back and buzzed me in.  So fine and a sense of humor... this should be interesting. His smell was a clean scent as if he had just left the Nordstrom cologne counter, he smelled good as I followed he and his scent up the stairs... He asked me if I found it okay and nervously, I said yeah, still reeling from his good looks and his strong essence.  He said, "yo you got time?  Imma hop in the shower real quick, have a seat and make yourself comfortable, just don't be snooping, will you wait on me? good things come to those who wait "  I laughed nervously and said aiight cool, don't make me wait too long."

A few minutes later he appeared with a towel wrapped around him and still a little damp and said come on back and why not naked I laughed..and got up and followed him back... I noticed how toned and sculpted his back and his calves were, all i kept saying to myself damn damn damn....this is going to be something.  His calves were off the chain.. I love calves on a brotha...

Apparently we went to a guest bedroom, he dropped his towel, and said "so wassup, u gonna give me the bizness" and started pulling my clothes off... I could feel my heartbeat pounding faster as my body started to respond to his touch.  His big hands palmed my head and ass, like he was palming a basketball and he leaned in to kiss me.  I shied away because normally kissing is something I reserve and don't do unless I am really feeling the person, but his passion as he kissed my neck, ears and nipples was driving me insane.  He leaned in for another kiss on the lips and it was on. 

One thing about me is that I am a very passionate person, and kissing is a major turn on for me.  In a moment of exhilaration he pushed me on the bed and started feeding me his 9 inches.  I must laugh a little because not only was it long but the shit was thick as hell.  after sucking, doing 69, kissing, licking each others nipples, James just let his and my inner freak out, He licked and kissed me from head to toe.  He flipped me over and then ate my ass for seemed like an eternity.  In the midst of his sucking and eating, he moaned "damn yo, i can eat this booty all nite. it's hairy like i like that shit"  the sounds of his sucking and licking mixed with the feeling of his warm tongue pressing up against my ass sent my body into overdrive... I started trying to push him away but he grabbed my hands with his muscular arms and pinned them to the bed... HOT AS HELL!!!  I'm still trying to gather myself......but simply amazing.

After we be both reached euphoria, he ran into the bathroom made a hot towel, and cleaned me and himself off...He then said, "don't get up yet, i'll be right back".... he came back and he said, "do you mind we just hold each other?"  lol nah I smiled and nah its all good....but in my mind I know this is dangerous, because I don't want to fall for him... and yet still doubting myself, I hope he doesn't fall for me I been a long time since I have had something as passionate as that...we laid there in silence, something unspoken but so very loud... there are times when you just need to release and be with someone that understands what you experience.  James is that someone.

As I left, i received a text message from him, saying "lock this # in....I don't kno wat happened 2nite, but i want 2 c u again, i'll b waitin...dont make me wait 2 long"  ........

I texted back and said, "Good things cum 2 those who wait"

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Bishop Eddie Long....and down Low Brothas in the church??

The Accused Bishop, complete wearing a nice fluffy poodle
on his head.

I wanted to finally comment on the issues surrounding the atlanta megachurch pastor Bishop Eddie Long.  Now as a disclaimer, in no way am I stating that the allegations filed against him are true or that Bishop Eddie Long is a down-low brother.  The purpose for this post is to just talk about the taboo that has existed in particularly the "black church" for many years. Oh boy here we go....

A few posts ago, I blogged lightly about the down low phenomenon and the black church, but I would have never thought that the sex scandal with the ultra-masculine Bishop Eddie Long would come to light.  

HOTLANTA's finest @ Pride

Bishop Eddie Long, mega church pastor of New Birth Missionary Baptist Church, has now been named in four separate lawsuits alleging sexual coercion of young men in Atlanta, Georgia. Hotlanta!  You know the ATL, well there's not much to leave there to wonder about.... I mean come on its Atlanta.  The black gay mecca of the south!  I means boys & girls for that matter are packing up moving there in droves and I mean it's the fine men!! I have always been a bit naive when being able to tell... so when I saw some pictures of some men in the ATL @ some events, I was like HOT DAMN!!  I know why now just look at this picture to the left.....------->

Anyway..Bishop Long, in the words of the Southern Poverty Law Center, “is one of the most virulently homophobic black leaders in the religiously based anti-gay movement.”  I personally have had the opportunity to visit Bishop Long's church on multiple occasions and even have VERY close family members who attend and are ministers at the church.  I must say that when I've visited the church on numerous occasions in the past, Bishop Long has always projected nothing but a extremely strong and masculine image including the muscle  However the congregation and men in the church were clearly suspect, it made me wonder.  I mean very suspect!!  They have a large affiliation with several Greek alumni chapters in the stone mountain and lithonia area... Hmmmmmm

Like the formerly-closeted Ken Mehlman, who recently repented for his work to prevent gay marriage, these lawsuits, if substantiated, would suggest that Long’s homophobia began with his own self-loathing.

Now main stream media considers the story especially disturbing because the manner in which Long is alleged to have lured young men on trips and sexual encounters. Calling the plaintiffs his “spiritual sons,” the lawsuit states that Long used various rituals in a ceremony to “seal” his “sons”—including candles, exchange of jewelry, and discussion of biblical verses that reinforce the spiritual and God-like connection between himself and the young man.  Growing up in the black charismatic church, to his defense a lot of pastors now consider many of their parishioners to be "spiritual sons and daughters" for that matter.  I think that portion is a case of main stream media not understanding the dynamics of the black church.

Isn’t this the man who marched with Bernice King alongside five thousand African Americans against gay marriage? As Sarah Posner points out here on RD, this practice of manipulating congregants into sexual relationships stems from “kingdom now” relational theology, mandating close relationships with spiritual leaders or “spiritual parents” in an individual’s life.

Conveniently, Long’s Longfellows Youth Academy was a place where young black men could be “trained to love, live and lead,” with Long and others acting as “spiritual parents.” Though they appear to have been taken down the website had included testimonials such as: “My real journey to Manhood didn’t start until I joined Longfellows.”

Another testimonial powerpoint outlined how the Ishman masculine journey and Bishop Long’s teachings about the bloodline stated that their “bloodlines should not be destroyed” and that “we have to take care of our bloodline because if we don’t, we are not doing our jobs as men.” With the revelations of sexual activity and the link of one of the plaintiffs to the academy, the academy is being sued, along with New Birth church as a corporation.

However, that’s only part of the story. Sex scandals happen everyday in church because leaders and members of strict churches can’t uphold the high standards of living they promote, aspire to, and harangue people over. The endless carousel of revelations about the Catholic Church worldwide is exhibit A of that broken message. In that sense, there is nothing new here.

The real story however, is that this case explodes the cover of the black church’s internal don’t ask, don’t tell policy which has had a profound effect on the community and its followers. It’s very interesting that the Long scandal broke almost immediately after black pastors led by Bishop Harry Jackson came together with the Family Research Council to oppose the repeal of the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Act. Many black pastors have staked their entire ministries on the “family” and the obsession with mainstream gender norms that encourage heterosexual marriage, abstinence, and patriarchal norms. It is an all-encompassing message that is obsessed with the suppression of sexuality in black churches, mega-churches and storefronts alike.

The core issue however is “respectability.” The obsession with mainline and black prosperity churches to show well groomed African Americans as prosperous, good, heterosexual Christians has gutted the social justice message of urban black churches. President Obama has even bought into the message of “talking down to the folks” with messages about delinquent fathers and feeding kids Popeye’s for breakfast. Meanwhile, the activities of black church leaders in sexual scandals, including Jeremiah Wright, websites that track sexual abuse, and blogs concerning “policing” black church sexuality suggest that the don’t ask don’t tell policy about sexuality in any form in the black church is alive and well.

The Homophobia and sexophobia of black church leaders can be found in their literature, preaching, and revivalism. Intrepid preachers and evangelists use sexuality in titles of books and preaching to get followers to buy their extended respectability sermons, packaged as sensual tomes like The Lady The Lover and her Lord, Foreplay: Sexual Healing for Spiritual Wholeness, or No More Sheets. Then emotional meetings are arranged so that everyone can “confess” and feel clean while the ‘leader” can be shown to be above reproach.  Now growing up in church it has been said for many years, that the preachers who preach the loudest and hardest about a sin, are usually the one struggling with it themselves!!  Case in point, there was a preacher in my hometown, many years ago, who preached against adultery!!  every sermon he talked about somehow found a way to talk about cheatin' on yo' wife!!  lol  Well it eventually came out that he had not only cheated on his wife but was still cheating and had fathered two children outside of the marriage, in which the estranged mistress showed up to church one sunday and showed out!!  lol... imagine the ride home after church!?

The master at this is Donnie McClurkin, whose tearful testimonies about being molested and sleeping with men culminated at the past Church of God in Christ (COGIC) convocation with him wailing about people “turning out” the children. Perhaps he forgot where he was turned out first. The church.
So the Eddie Long crisis is not just a crisis for himself, the accusers, Long’s family and the church; it’s a clarion call to African-American churches to cease and desist with the homophobia and finally start to deal with the fact that its not the folks in the pews who need to be disciplined, it’s the corrupt, bankrupt leadership of many, though not all, churches. The endless round of pastor’s anniversaries, offerings, and the fawning “my pastor is God and can do no wrong” theology of black churches needs to stop.

It's these types of railing accusations and blatant criticisms that lead men to take pictures in the bathroom and send them to their secret lovers.

The absolute fealty to leadership and the “man” of god, enforced with scriptures like “don’t touch God’s anointed” have left so many victims in their wake that it’s a wonder people bother to even go to church anymore. When you factor in the money people have put into ministries that pimp them out and put them down, that’s an abusive relationship predicated on loving God and paying to be close to “God’s representative.” If the Catholic church can’t get a pass on its sexual and pedophilia scandals, why should mega-church pastors?

This frenzied focus on sexuality has stunted the understandings about what sex is and is not within the black church tradition. The older generation of repressed members criticize rappers for promoting bitches, hoes, and a bling lifestyle even as pastors’ bling lifestyles of prosperity, on-the-low sexuality, and repression reinforce rappers’ messages with biblical patriarchy, minimally suppressed misogyny, and fake respectability—all under the guise of spiritual authority.  We are now forced to reckon with something that many many men are struggling with and thats sexuality and religion.  I used to feel condemned by feeling the way I felt towards men, but as we can see, even the Bishop can be subject to allegedly liking men as well.

bishop Robert Reaves

Reaves Roommate, Randolph

Even more so disturbing was the story several years ago, concerning a North Carolina Bishop, Robert Reaves who murdered a North Carolina Central University 23 year old female student who was dating his roommate, who was offered free rent in exchange for oral sex!! 

What are your thoughts concerning this ordeal being brought to like and how do you think this will shift the paradigm in how we respond, preach, and teach about sexuality in the church?  I think Carlton Pearson provided a very strong argument in his interview on CNN concerning this.... you should check it out.

Even more so interesting is that the huffington post, recently reported that Bishop Long has agreed to mediation to response to the raging allegations against him.  Bishop Eddie Long agreeing to mediation of sexual coercion charges is an end-run around the universally accepted moral and ethical responsibilities of any ecumenical leader. Mediation of sexual allegation grievances is tantamount to an admission of "some" guilt, "some" form of ministerial misconduct. Innocent folk don't make deals if the claims against them are baseless and untrue. Mediation for the accused is a forfeiture of the right to ever claim innocence, and readers should be absolutely clear on this point.  check out the article at the huffington post below:

What are your thoughts??  Where do you see sexuality going in the black church?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Scarlet Letter

Many times it is very difficult to understand the down low lifestyle, being gay, or especially being black and loving the same sex.  The down low lifestyle, being bisexual, being gay, and being black are all an enigma in and into itself.  Add religion and spirituality in there and you have a big ball of confusion.   There are times in my life, too many to count where I have said I am no longer going to do this!  I emphatically said no more sex with men!  and I believed myself........  but I have a confession to make I really love the Black man!  God created something wonderful when he created us!!  lol

Even before I got married I can remember the times when I would go to a midnight deliverance and prayer service and pray on the altar that God would remove "these feelings" from me.  TAKE IT AWAY JESUS!!...  I would pray and believe that I was the only one that was dealing with this, and everybody could see me wearing the scarlet letter of liking sex with men.  In the book, Hester Prynne conceived through an adulterous affair and struggle to create a life of repentance and dignity.  She was forced to wear a letter to let everyone in the city know she was an adulterous woman...Although I had not
conceived a child like she did, I was always struggling to repent for the steamy hot sessions I had in secret.  It was the scarlet letter, that I put upon myself. 

Society tends to put a scarlet letter on those that don't fit within the parameters of the social norms.  Which is what has happened within the African American community.  Every since I can remember, I always heard people talk about men who had too much sugar in their tank, or men that were so sweet it would give them a cavity.  These were the scarlet letters that society that in my opinion shaped those who were
desiring something that most people didn't understand.

Back to my original thoughts...there were so many times when I hated myself for having sex with men, times when I was disgusted the night after meeting some business man who was in town for a steamy hot session of oral sex, foreplay, and lots of kissing....I love to  Sorry I digress.  Well I found that somehow the scarlet letter that I was wearing attracts others who are wearing the scarlet letter too.  Although, unclockable, undetectable, somehow we meet people in life who are struggling with the same exact thing we are. 

I remember being on an online site and met a guy, who said he was in town for business... He asked me to come to his hotel room for some no strings fun.  Well turns out this guy was married, and a pastor of a church, something that I did not find out until afterwards.  His voice was deep and masculine as he whispered in my ear and licked my ear lobes.  The session was steamy and hot...we stroked, licked, and kissed each other that day, he ordered me room service, after he licked and ate every part of my ass.  But there was a quiet reservation to his freaky side.   We had a few conversations after he had left town, but he seemed a bit embarrassed that he had this struggle, and this occupation.  Sometimes the scarlet letter is not the easiest thing to deal with. 

Perhaps the multiple times that I've prayed, fasted, cried out to God, drank oil, rebuked the devil, and pleaded the blood, i would at least think that I would have some type of deliverance from something that now become a nemesis to me at times.

I have often wondered however, why I have not been able to shake it?  And why is it every time, I say I'm going to do better, I say I'm going to be faithful and honor my marriage, and I'm not going to sleep with any more men, I'm going to delete my online sex profiles and secret email accounts, that the very moment I say that, it's like there is a scarlet letter on me that says, Down Low brothers come talk to me, give me the eye, wink at me, slide me ur number.  I mean I recently said that and I know that two guys from my past now all of a sudden want to get up... Hell one married guy texted me last week saying, let's get a hotel room together.  He and I got a hotel room several months ago and had some fun.  We had finally gotten tired of meeting in dark parking lots sucking and kissing in the car....What the fuck?  Hell even one time we met at the lake and screwed on a picnic table after dark, talk about nervous as hell.....i just knew the police park ranger or some nighttime jogger was gonna come by and call the cops on us!! lol  Although it was hot the summer time mosquitoes had a field day... man I had bites on my ass, legs, back and chest... Bet the hell I'll never do that shit again!!  lol

This shit is getting crazy... I am ready to move on...and figure my life out, what i want, which includes do I want to stay in my marriage like many men do and continue sleep with men, or do I want to be honest with myself...and not go all out rainbow flag waving and shit but be honest for once in my life without bearing the shame.?  What do you think.. this scarlet letter is really getting to me.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

It's a Small World After All

I have never been a person who believed in the theory of 6 degrees of separation.  As a matter of fact the whole idea of Six degrees of separation (also referred to as the "Human Web") refers to the idea that everyone is on average approximately six steps away from any other person on Earth, so that a chain of, "a friend of a friend" statements can be made, on average, to connect any two people in six steps or fewer.  When  you are on the down low the six degrees could very well hold true however.  I am now beginning to believe more and more that it is a small world after all and somehow, we are all sort of connected in some freaky cosmic sort of way....

Let me explain...As am trying to effectively manage and juggle my life and the many new endeavors, twists and turns my life is taking, I am now finding that some of the decisions I've made during my experimental phases in life are now coming to stare me back in the face and somehow people that I experimented with were or are connected to others that I experimented with.  Thanks to social media networks such as facebook, I am now finding that people are much connected than I knew, thought, or even imagined. Hey birds of a feather flock together.  Hmmmm?

It can be very difficult to hide the part of you that is always yearning to get out.....but when you start to realize that you are not in this by yourself, it becomes a little bit easier to manage.  An occasional sexual encounter seems to ease the pain.... lol no pun intended...  As I began to explore this damnable (not really but you get the picture)  part of my sexuality I began to find various avenues for releasing the tension.  I would be mortified if anyone from my church found out, I would be crucified if anyone in my family ever knew, so I conceded to hiding the part of me that I had not yet totally or fully understood.  One of the ways was online sites where you set  up a profile, add a hot or steamy picture, and wait for a sexual hook up.  Then there's that occasional craigslist ad that you find where married men, down low brothers all post ads for sex now, while my lover or girl is away or out of town. 

Well a few years ago, when I was exploring the wonders of men, especially black men, I had responded to an ad online, and after a few email exchanges and exchange of phone numbers, we decided to meet just to see if the vibe was there.  He was a married man, had been divorced previously, had 3 children and was a professional.  A college professor as well as the CEO of his own business.  He told me, "let's meet at the gas station on main street, it will have to be quick because I'm gonna tell my wife, I'm going to grab a newspaper and a soda, and i got run by the office to get some paperwork i forgot."  So i said deal... well we met and he was very attractive stocky muscular build, nice smile, clean cut, smelling good, with some baggy sweats and timbs on."  I wasn't expecting his rough side, since he had previously described himself as a professional but on the front of his car was Greek plates.  So i was like ok this dude has a rough side.  At this point, I was very nervous because although we had both seen each others bodies and descriptions, we didn't see each others faces.  For many people on the down low, this can be a point of paranoia, nervous sweats, and nervous gas, if you so will because the idea of meeting someone who you may know or seen, is terrifying in all of itself.  We decided to pull off to a nearby dark empty lot and he stepped out of his Infiniti and walked over to the passenger side of my car and got in. 

After the initial look over, we talked for a minute then he leaned in and we kissed for a while.  Wow a good kisser.  To make a long story short we talked, met each other secretly and after hours, but it soon ended when he started having problems at home and his wife became a little suspicious as they usually do.  Well a few months later, after being on a site, I meet up with a dude who was nice looking muscular dreads, and he was Greek as well.  Well come to find out after I accepted "Dreads" facebook friend request, that after looking at his photo album, he and infiniti were posed together in a picture, multiple pictures to be exact..  I was like wow!  But wait the plot thickens, in October of this year, I was invited to come do a presentation on behalf my company by a friend, who my company had did work for in the past,  and low and behold, while setting up the projector, I hear Mr. Infiniti's voice.  my friend was working for Mr. Inifiniti and I never knew his real name!! lol

It really is a small world.  I know there are countless number of people out there who can say, wow this is extremely deep.  But the down low lifestyle is filled with fake names, fake email addresses, and fake profiles on sex sites which i still don't get, and oh yeah lies.  I guess its the fate that we down low brothas get for living a lie, but I'm now realizing that we are all connected in some crazy sort of way.  I can remember being in a place and seeing people, that I thought had one life, or so they told me, and then it was completely different!!  At times, I feel utter shame for having slept with men, and then I see them in public and I try not to let my eyes or my face show, but I will be like dayum that nigga lied, he told me he was single, but i see him and he's got a ring on his finger and a wife on his arm. All the while, he's sleeping with a man behind her back....  I want to sometimes just give up and walk away from it all... but then there's something that just calls me back, maybe its the sex?  nah...not so much or maybe it's the fact of the thrill of the excitement.  I don't know but I"m anxiously waiting to see who or what will unfold before me. 

It truly is a small world after all!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The End of the Age of Innocence

So I know its been a while but I know its time for me to begin writing again and be consistent...As much as I would love to preserve my naivete, and my innocence in being able to understand and know when another guy is interested and gets down, I must say that I am now coming to realize that for many years I have missed so many signs and signals that were right in front of my face but somehow I ignored it.

I have realized that down low brothers come in all types.  i know you're probably saying well no shit!  but It has taken me a long time to come to the understanding of this phenomenon.  It is quite interesting that for many years I have been a very spiritual being; raised in the church, family who were clergy, and lead many church activities, I have always been the type of individual that hid my sexuality like a deep dark secret hidden in the abyss of my own conscience.  Although I had had a few experiences in exploring my sexuality with men while growing up, it wasn't enough to open my eyes to the world that was existing around me. 
As a matter of fact it was as if, I was the visitor to a foreign country.  I never experienced oral sex until my senior year in high school where a friend of mine, gave me head for the first time.  As a matter of fact it was in the atrium of the library, tucked away behind the massive trees and gardens, on a bench is where I first experienced the euphoria of oral sex and ejaculating into his mouth as he sucked and swallowed every bit of my cum.  In college, I didn't have the experience of exploring VERY MUCH because I was always so afraid that people would find out and I would be attached to the stigma of what I had sat around and joked and laughed about.  I myself found myself sneaking on sites like and finding the spots where I could go and hook up for anonymous sex without the chance of anyone finding out.  I had to have a way to release, and preserve my sexuality.  I found myself in bookstores, restrooms and the like where people were known to be cruising for a sex hookup.  Although, I was participating in this undercover world, I could not believe that anyone else could ever be engaged in what I was feeling or experiencing. 

It wasn't until after college, marriage, and finally reconnecting with  people who i went to school with, that I began to realize that all along other guys who I thought were straight especially in college, were on the down low.  I mean I began to find out about Kappas, Alphas, damn...even some fine ass Q-dogs, athletes...who all got down and I was like how did I miss the signs, even more importantly, how did I miss the fun!!??  I reconnected with a friend of mine who told me all about some of the goings on at our beloved Alma mater and I was completely floored.  Never in my life, could I imagine that the world around me is not so foreign and not so different but for so many years I refused to allow myself the decency of being real and honest and not being afraid to see what was really there the whole time.  It was this same friend that told me that several people had expressed interest in me, but thought that I was unapproachable or couldn't tell if I indeed "got down like that".... lol funny to me.  I was so shocked to find out that me being so scared and spiritual had possibly caused me to miss some very good relationships in my life.  Who knows had I not been so spiritual, maybe I would have been honest with myself and not walked down that aisle, not asked someone to marry me that I knew could never have 100% all of my desire.  Now i share my body with other men secretly taking pictures at their request in the bathroom, as if I haven't learned from the Bishop Eddie Long saga.

Hence, the end of the age of innocence.  Now, I am slowly realizing and beginning to see the writing on the wall, as my grandmother would say!  I now longer see blindly....which is a good thing and a bad thing.  I am noticing the stares, the smiles, the looks, and even the subtle hints that I have missed for so many years.  For example, I was in the library and there was a guy who asked to share a table with me, well maybe a few weeks later I was on adam4adam (i know don't judge me, I have since deleted that shit), i was chatting with a guy and he unlocks his private picture and it's the dude from the library!!  I was like damn!! how did I miss the signs!  As I endeavor to juggle this lifestyle and come to grips with the decisions I have to make, I feel as if, with each passing day, a new part of this lifestyle is revealed to me.  The end of this era in my life, is partly the reason why I feel as if maybe i should end my marriage and move on.  During the course of my journey into self discovery, I have found that there are so many men who are struggling.  Who live this dichotomy of a life and are still trying to manage it.  The world of men who stand in the bathroom and snap pictures of their chiseled and muscular bodies, or the men who subtly remove their shirts while talking to you after a competitive game of tag football or a day of yard work... hmmm the signs are there and I have been missing them!!

I know there are some guys who don't mind being married and fucking men on the side, they only see it as sex.  But then there are some men like me who are deep down hopeless romantics, so when it comes to sex, its just not physical but it's an emotional connection.  I recently meet a preacher who invited me to his hotel room while he was here, and he said to me, "if my congregation knew that I loved
sleeping with men, I wouldn't have a church, but i hope that I can find that one person, who can understand my preacher side and my human side, so that i don't have to sleep with everybody all across the country."  My eyes are being opened with each passing day, and I'm glad now that I'm no longer ignoring what's right in front of me, but opening myself to see that I'm not in this alone.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

It's been a While...

It's been a while since I have been able to focus on writing blog.  Work responsibilities, family, and my child's extracurricular activities have me running non-stop.

But I'm back, with more details of the torrid affair between what's accepted and what's completely a dark underground of secret love, trials, and steamy sexual encounters.

Get ready for more insightful thoughts into the world we know as the down low.  It's a dilemma, and the more I live the more that I'm discovering that I'm not in this struggle alone.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Idle Worship

The weekends for me are always so busy with running errands and then the usual church service.  I am always amazed at how many people have stories of being picked up, hit on, or flirted with at the gym, grocery store, the know public places.  Part  of my amazement stems from the fact that I always say, "Nothing like that ever happens to me."  I was sharing this sentiment with a friend "Lester" who recently moved to Detroit 3 weeks ago, and he said he has been hit on by at least 4 different men, and amazing to me in public places. 

I questioned him and said, "How do you do it? Because nothing like that ever happens to me."  He in turn said, "For starters, its the way you carry yourself."  I said, "What does that mean?"  He says to me, well you carry yourself as if you're not looking for anything and you're not interested, and you don't pay attention to your surroundings.  Secondly, it's in the eyes!  if a guy gives you a gaze, that's how you know there is interest there because the eyes always tell.  After all the eyes are the window to the soul.

I said points well taken... So on Sunday, I went to church, actually I visited another church far from the church my family and I attend on a regular basis.  I noticed will standing in the church vestibule waiting to enter the sanctuary, that a young man, was staring at me, well dressed, not oh so attractive and not really my type, appeard masculine but staring nonetheless.  During the service, they asked for all the first time visitors to stand, because they wanted to invite usto a special visitors suite, following service as a thank you for visiting and to offer a complimentary coy of the sermon, and to partake of some light refreshments.

Following service I went to the first time guest suite, and there he was a young man, decent, not attractive but there he was an Elder in the church and there to welcome all visitors.  He could not properly greet the guests ahead of me for looking at me! lol  As i grabbed a bottle of water he reached out his hand to take my visitors card and gave me a long firm handshake, as he introduced myself.  The conversation was casual and professional yet it was in the eyes....  he looked deeply into my eyes.

Later that evening i received a call from a number I didn't recognize, so as I answered I immediately recognized the voice as the voice from the person I had talked to earlier in the day at church.  First he started out in saying, he was calling to thank me for visiting the church on behalf of the pastor and first lady...but then the conversation just got weird.  It actually sounded as if he was stroking his dick, while talking to me, because he kept making weird breathing sounds.  I asked his was everything okay and he said, "yes, i just got distracted."  He then later said do you text and I said man i don't even know you like that.  He said well cool, later man!

A few hours later I received a text from the same number telling me that he really liked me and wanted to see what was up with me, he felt a vibe that made him horny..  he goes on to say that he could not even focus on worship....Idle 

I don't know what gives guys the feeling that they can just come into someone's personal space without being invited.  Lol but I realize maybe that's the reason why people have become so impersonal.  It's difficult enough to deal with the stress and trauma of being on the downlow, but then you add church queens and it makes it way overrated.

What are your thoughts?

Thursday, August 26, 2010

What Makes You Stay?

I'm interested to know what are some of the reasons that many men who are on the down low stay in their heterosexual relationships with their wives?

I am always intrigued by the macho image of men who sleep with men on the low, but are indeed never going to leave their wives or family.  What are some of the reasons you stay?  What do men do to keep themselves happy in their marriage? 

I have been trying to rationalize the pros and cons to the down low lifestyle and now, I'm in a place where I am completely tired of living the facade.

What are your thoughts?

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Michael Baisden... Do you really understand the down-low?

Recently I was riding in the car listening to the Michael Baisden Show and he does a show every Monday entitled "Madd Issues Monday."  I never listened to Michael Baisden before, but recently started since the change in my children's school schedules, over the past year.  Well every monday, he talks about Sloppy Cheaters, and without fail you can always expect for some woman to call into the show to discuss how she caught her husband in the act.

This particular caller called in and told the story of how she came home early on Valentine's Day, and when she pulled up in the driveway she saw her husband's best friend's car there, which she didn't think anything of.... well I'm sure I don't need to explain how the story ends...but to make a long story short, she discovered her husband in the kitchen having sex with his best friend who apparently was wearing one of her wigs (don't ask me why).  You can actually catch the podcast at this link provided (  go down to 8.9.10 Hour 2 "Caught in the act")  It never fails that the show always takes a down turn to discuss the down low phenomenon.

In recent years, a sub-culture within the homosexual lifestyle has garnered much media attention, and to say that this attention is unsavory is a severe understatement at best. This subset has become known as “The Downlow”. Now, if you have been slightly comatose for the past 10 years, “The Downlow” (or DL) is a term used for men (usually African-American) who secretly participate in homosexual activities, but still maintain a heterosexual lifestyle (i.e. being a womanizer, having a steady girlfriend, getting engaged to a woman, being married with children) and have no desire to come out of the closet. Many horror stories have come out of these types of situations, such as, women who return home early from work to find their man having intercourse with his “best friend” as discussed on the radio, wives who have had nervous breakdowns after finding out about their husband’s “other” life, and, worst case scenario, men who have infected their women with HIV as a result of having unprotected sex with their downlow partner(s). Episodes like these, and many others, have raised the ire of women across the country, thus heightening the awareness of the existence of DL men. However, is “The Downlow” as horrible as it is purported to be?  Even some men have become homophobic and lash out talking about how disgusting and low life down-low brothers are.

As an African-American man, I can attest to the fact that growing up as a Black male pre-millennium you are told that “fags” are bad people, stay away from them, and NEVER be like them. Much of this mindset comes from religious beliefs in the African-American community, as most people within the community observe either Christianity or Islam, two religions that totally condemn homosexuality. So, on the religious front, you are raised to believe that homosexuals go to Hell, then, on the personal front, you are taught that a gay man is less of a man. Though the former is an effective scare tactic that gives theological grounding to the anti-gay message within the community, it is the latter that drives the point home for the remainder of your childhood, for whenever you did something that was considered feminine (i.e. crying when your feelings got hurt, playing with the girls instead of the guys, playing with dolls) your manhood was challenged by the spouting of derogatory terms towards you, like “punk” or “faggot”. What made it worse is that, often times, these demeaning names came from peers or relatives, which will strike a nerve every time. As humans, we accept the reality that we are presented with, so if a person is brought up to think that homosexuality is a bad or evil thing, is there any wonder why certain men would want to conceal their true sexuality?
As time goes on, these men will begin to battle with the homosexual urges within them. For some, the battle is very short, as they tire of fighting what feels right to them and embrace their homosexuality (or bisexuality). For others, it is really heart wrenching internal warfare that they are forced to deal with. There are a lot of questions that go through a person’s mind when he is battling the possibility of being gay. Will I really go to Hell? Will my family stop loving me? Will my parents kick me out? Will my social life end if people start to find out? Can people tell that I like guys just by looking at me? Am I masculine enough? Will I catch AIDS? Am I a bad person? Do I have mental problems? Is there anyone who understands what I am going through? Will I be seen as just another flaming faggot? Sadly, sometimes it seems like a hopeless situation, causing suicide in some cases. Even worse, it is the negative reaction from family members who may have caught wind of the homosexual desires that fuels the suicide. Either way…it’s tragic.

Still, there is a population of men within the African-American community who decide that they can no longer deny their attraction to the same sex; however, they are unwilling to so sacrifice their heterosexual lifestyle, their public-image, nor their family relationships to satiate their sexual urges. So they continue to remain in the closet and keep their homosexual activities on the downlow. In their mind, these DL men are doing nothing wrong, for they know that their urges are far too strong for them to deny, but they will not jeopardize the image that they have fought so long and hard to maintain…that of a “real man”. They feel that since they are only having sex with these men, but still being a good boyfriend or husband to their woman, then they are good to go. As with this writer, who was extremely DL as a teenager in the mid-1990’s, it is usually in a person’s teen years that the decision to be DL is made. This makes perfect sense because it is during your teens where you start to figure who you are as person, but it is also during this time that that outside world’s perception of you means the most, making the decision to become DL a more viable one to an African-American male, for, as much as we would like to deny it and sweep it under the rug, African-Americans as a whole are far much harder on homosexuals than any other cultural group. It may sound like a sweeping generalization, but it is what it is.

Aside from the fact that African-Americans consider homosexuality a severe vice within their community (case in point, I actually witnessed a friend’s grandmother tell his friend that she would rather he be addicted to Crack instead of being gay), it is also the rest of the world’s shunning of homosexual men that still creates the need for these men to continue to be DL. Yes, great strides have been made in the arena of gay acceptance in The United States in the last 10-15 years however, homosexuals still cannot legally be married in all 50 states, the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy still exists, HIV is still directly linked to homosexuals in the public eye, and gay bashing is still as rampant as it ever was. These and a plethora of other factors do not help to promote the idea that it is okay to be gay in the USA, actually, it says the exact opposite. Also, since “The Downlow” has been brought into the mainstream, women have become much more aware of its existence to the point where many women now look for any and all signs of gayness in their men. This is a really bad trend for two reasons: 1) it causes paranoia among women….paranoia = fear….fear transforms into hate….hate from women toward gay men will deal a serious blow to the acceptance of homosexuality in America, 2) with women now probing potential mates for signs of homosexuality, it will only cause these DL men to cover their tracks even better, making it all just a vicious cycle.
I do not want to be misinterpreted, for this post is not a defense of “The Downlow”.Still, a good argument can be made for the psychological trauma of DL men because they have been raised their entire lives to believe that what they feel for the same sex is wrong. How could it not be traumatizing to have it drilled into your head that you SHOULD NOT be who you really are? Obviously, such a situation has to have severe psychological ramifications if we are now seeing numbers of DL men continue to rise. Of course, situations where DL men have given HIV to their spouses or girlfriends is a sad situation indeed, but straight men have been giving this virus (and others) to their women for quite some time now from affairs with other women, so why is it worse when a DL man does it? Many women will say that the deception makes it worse, but if society hadn’t forced these men into to closet, then “The Downlow” would not even be an issue. Perhaps if parents (especially mothers) and the African-American community as a whole would stop raising our children with such a fervent anti-gay message, then perhaps women would have less to worry about when it comes to choosing a mate. Just a little food for thought......

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Three's A Crowd

Well here I am blogging again about the Mario...Bernard saga.

Finally the truth comes out...  Turns out Mario, although he was married with a new daughter, and his friend Bernard who is married as well, who I talked about in an earlier post, he had deep feelings for Bernard.

The problem is today I took the day for myself, to catch up on some work. Lately, I’ve noticed that I have not been motivated to do much as far as my work is concerned. I’ve had several projects and things that I’ve been procrastinating on so I decided after the whirlwind that I had been through that I would try to get my head in the game.

Well last night I received a torrid text from Mario, who tells me that the reason why he treated me weirdly and backed off, was that he didn’t want me to get hurt. And he goes on to say he wishes Bernard could have told me that from the beginning. That his heart was with Bernard, and he knew he was in love with Bernard but just was expecting He and I to be a no strings hook up from time to time.

Mario’s: “hell you’re more attractive, more sexier, and better looking than Bernard.” Next text “the time we had was incredible, but I knew who I wanted to be with that’s Bernard and I do love him to the core! So tht why I realized I can’t be YOURS.”

My response: “I never claimed to want you to be mine in the first place, but I realize, all the bullshit you were talking was just your dick talking…. As I told you before, it would be nice to have someone I could build a relationship with that I can also kick it with on that level, but I’m not desperate.”

Mario: “You are a great guy and you deserve better if not more. This I can say I’m always here if you ever need to talk or a shoulder to cry on. You are my boi.”

Then more Bullshit!

Mario: “I do have deep feelings for Bernard. He’s a great guy and so are you! I just don’t like playing games so tht why I was protecting u as well protecting myself and Bernard. I do believe that we all are meant to be friends and if we have a 3 sum cool…. I hope you are okay? U okay? Are you okay with a 3sum? I don’t think I can handle your sexiness w/ you one on one anymore and NO its not you! Ok?

My response: As I told you already, I’m not desperate, I’m not trying to marry yo ass, and I don’t give a damn. You’re the one who took it there and now trying to turn it around on me. So no I’m not interested in having a 3sum with u. Apparently, 3’s a crowd….later dude!”

That was how our conversation ended via text. He called me a few hours later while I was working. I hesitantly answered and he acted as if nothing had happened, nothing transpired, and no words were exchanged. One thing that I have discovered quite frequently, is that many men on the down low, crave affection, crave to be the with the one that they envision as their “dream” but when the opportunity comes they fail to realize that when sex is involved, so are your feelings and emotions.

I can’t begin to count the many times I’ve gotten with a dude that seemed perfect, just for him to later spaz out on me, mysteriously disappear, or come up with a ton of excuses as to why they can’t “hook-up” anymore. I really am beginning to believe that many men who are on the down-low should come to the realization of who they are and what they are dealing with. Many times, a quick escape from reality in the form of a sex-charged rendezvous will not solve the deep seeded issues that come with the down low lifestyle. I am not one to become so in love or attached, as soon as I meet someone who is attractive and can put it down in the bed. I come to understand that down low relationships don’t vary too much differently than regular relationships with a spouse. Open and honest communication is key, and may brothas don’t do that because 3s a crowd. The truth of the matter is that it is quite difficult to effectively manage both sides of the equation. One is going to go lacking. Down low brothas please realize that 3 is a crowd and everyone involved has feelings so be careful how you treat your other brothers that are trying to handle their business.

Crowded out….

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Emotional Roller Coaster

Well I'm back again with some interesting news and a need for some therapy.... Usually I try to blog to discuss my adventures, my pain, and the experience that I encounter while on this journey.  Well it's happened again.  I met this dude that now has caused me to be on an emotional roller coaster...  In the words of Vivian Green the lyrics explain it all:

Last night I cried, tossed and turned, woke up with dry eyes
My mind was racing, feet were pacing
Lord help me please tell me what I have gotten into.
Ran my 3 miles to clear my mind, it always turns me out
Its my therapy when I'm losing it which is usually
I'm on a emotional roller coaster
Loving you ain't nothing healthy
Loving you was never good to me
But I can't get off

So in a previous post, I told you that a guy named Bernard, who I had an encounter with had contacted me a few weeks ago.  Well he was hoping that we would have a 3some with his friend, "Mario" but the 3some never happened.  However, in the exchange of conversation he sent my number to his friend Mario and he and I began texting and talking.  One thing lead to another and before I knew it we had talked so much that I had over 2000 text messages in my phone between he and I.  We even had exchanged pictures via text... Ahem!!  We had connected on a spiritual, emotional, and intellectual level that I hadn't connected with a guy like this in a very very long time.  It was nice and refreshing to say the least. 
Mario is an attractive, 30 something, African American that is about 6'3", bald head (my weakness) and has an incredible smile and eyes, and extremely kind hearted!  His wife is a doctor, and he is a professor, and father or a beautiful 10 month old daughter.  He is amazing, he is caring, he makes me laugh, and he is always concerned about my feelings and the funny thing is we've only known each other really going on a little over a month now.  Well last Friday he invited me over to his home on his day off, and his wife was had been out of town for 2 weeks, so he said, "the coast is clear, i want to see you in person, i want to kiss you, i want to wrap my arms around you."  So i drove an hour and a half to meet him at his home.  When I pulled up the guard at the gate of the subdivision, stopped me and asked me who was I coming to visit... I told him and he waved me through.  As I pulled up to his address, I was blown away at the vastness of the home that I kept driving by a couple of times.  Apparently, he had been standing in the window waiting for me to pull up, because he called me and said, "I see you drove by, turn around and pull up to the driveway and I'll open the gate."  So I did.

I walked in and he was even more handsome, even more muscular, and even more attractive than his pictures.  He smile and as soon as he closed the door, he hugged me, and said, "i'm glad to finally meet you."  He embraced me for a while, and as he embraced me I could smell his cologne.  He then escorted me into his family room, where he was watching ESPN, catching up on the highlights of all the games he missed.  He offered me something to drink, which I declined.  I was already nervous.... I uttered "nice place you got here" and he responded, "oh this is nothing."  you should have seen our home in Miami.  I quietly nodded and said well excuse me Mr. Big Time.  we both laughed and smiled. 

I sat on a couch adjacent to the chair he was sitting in, but as he kept staring at me, I saw his bulge though his gym shorts standing up.  He then stood up and walked over to me and started to kiss me.  Kissing has always been my number one turn on.  I mean I can kiss so passionately and receive more satisfaction from that then actually fucking...i know weird isn't it.   Well one thing led to another and 3 hours later, we were laying beside each other, staring. I mean he ate my ass so many times that I lost count....LOL  Mario is the kind of lover that anyone would die for.  He is passionate and always makes sure during sex that I was being pleased.I was really feeling this dude, and not just from the sex, but from the conversations we had.  He even told me he thinks there was mutual attraction and affection there and we could evolve into being life long friends.

After that, we texted and texted each other and he asked me to come back down to have lunch with him, but the tone and nature of his texts had somewhat changed..  No more references to the deep sexual attraction that we both had, or how cute he thought I was.  The conversation seemed to have changed. ....Well on Monday, I went down again to have lunch with him, and he told me a few days beforehand that he was off on Monday, so maybe we could meet again for another hot encounter.  But when Monday came, he said he had to go into the office and was not off, and that the lunch would have to be rushed.  Cool no problem, I will just plan to do some other things and see a few friends while I'm in the area. 

Lunch was awkward, and it was painful... Mario often drifted off somewhere else, and I had to make an exhaustive effort to continue to keep to the conversation going.  He finally said, "I think we should be just friends."  You are such a good person, that I don't want either of us to get hurt.  I value your friendship more than I do your body, so I think we should slow down."  INTERPRETATION:  I just wanted a one time no strings attached encounter, and I'm a fucking low life who was too scared to say that.

Hence the emotional roller coaster... I had genuinely opened up my heart to this guy thinking that he was genuinely feeling this new friendship but i was completely naive.  I've been here before, and I realize that when you're in the down low lifestyle, it is hard to establish a true solid connection with guys because of fear, or whatever.  Most times guys who are married or living down low, will use whatever they can to get the sex and move on.  Well I'm getting off of the emotional roller coaster....I think I've lived long enough, learned enough, and loved enough to know when someone is genuinely into me and when they are just looking to bust a nut. 

I received a text from him today saying "What's up sexy??  I'm coming to your city for a few days on business.  I guess we can continue part 2"

My response:  "Uh... no thanks, I'm reconsidering my priorities in life, and you didn't make the cut.  I realize I was just a convenient sex hookup, which is cool, just would have appreciated knowing that."

His response:  "Well I started acting differently because I like you and didn't want you to get hurt.  i was falling in love with the thought of us" (more bullshit, of course)

My response:  "thanks man, but i think I'd rather just move on.  Wish you the best."

Exactly what I'm talking about Emotional Roller coaster... well thanks for the ride (no pun intended) but I'm getting off (again no pun intended).  I realize now that I have some things related to the rejection issues I've faced when growing up, and so instead of going on an emotional ride.  I'd much rather be in control of the twists and turns that I go on.