It's a Small World After All

I have never been a person who believed in the theory of 6 degrees of separation.  As a matter of fact the whole idea of Six degrees of separation (also referred to as the "Human Web") refers to the idea that everyone is on average approximately six steps away from any other person on Earth, so that a chain of, "a friend of a friend" statements can be made, on average, to connect any two people in six steps or fewer.  When  you are on the down low the six degrees could very well hold true however.  I am now beginning to believe more and more that it is a small world after all and somehow, we are all sort of connected in some freaky cosmic sort of way....

Let me explain...As am trying to effectively manage and juggle my life and the many new endeavors, twists and turns my life is taking, I am now finding that some of the decisions I've made during my experimental phases in life are now coming to stare me back in the face and somehow people that I experimented with were or are connected to others that I experimented with.  Thanks to social media networks such as facebook, I am now finding that people are much connected than I knew, thought, or even imagined. Hey birds of a feather flock together.  Hmmmm?

It can be very difficult to hide the part of you that is always yearning to get out.....but when you start to realize that you are not in this by yourself, it becomes a little bit easier to manage.  An occasional sexual encounter seems to ease the pain.... lol no pun intended...  As I began to explore this damnable (not really but you get the picture)  part of my sexuality I began to find various avenues for releasing the tension.  I would be mortified if anyone from my church found out, I would be crucified if anyone in my family ever knew, so I conceded to hiding the part of me that I had not yet totally or fully understood.  One of the ways was online sites where you set  up a profile, add a hot or steamy picture, and wait for a sexual hook up.  Then there's that occasional craigslist ad that you find where married men, down low brothers all post ads for sex now, while my lover or girl is away or out of town. 

Well a few years ago, when I was exploring the wonders of men, especially black men, I had responded to an ad online, and after a few email exchanges and exchange of phone numbers, we decided to meet just to see if the vibe was there.  He was a married man, had been divorced previously, had 3 children and was a professional.  A college professor as well as the CEO of his own business.  He told me, "let's meet at the gas station on main street, it will have to be quick because I'm gonna tell my wife, I'm going to grab a newspaper and a soda, and i got run by the office to get some paperwork i forgot."  So i said deal... well we met and he was very attractive stocky muscular build, nice smile, clean cut, smelling good, with some baggy sweats and timbs on."  I wasn't expecting his rough side, since he had previously described himself as a professional but on the front of his car was Greek plates.  So i was like ok this dude has a rough side.  At this point, I was very nervous because although we had both seen each others bodies and descriptions, we didn't see each others faces.  For many people on the down low, this can be a point of paranoia, nervous sweats, and nervous gas, if you so will because the idea of meeting someone who you may know or seen, is terrifying in all of itself.  We decided to pull off to a nearby dark empty lot and he stepped out of his Infiniti and walked over to the passenger side of my car and got in. 

After the initial look over, we talked for a minute then he leaned in and we kissed for a while.  Wow a good kisser.  To make a long story short we talked, met each other secretly and after hours, but it soon ended when he started having problems at home and his wife became a little suspicious as they usually do.  Well a few months later, after being on a site, I meet up with a dude who was nice looking muscular dreads, and he was Greek as well.  Well come to find out after I accepted "Dreads" facebook friend request, that after looking at his photo album, he and infiniti were posed together in a picture, multiple pictures to be exact..  I was like wow!  But wait the plot thickens, in October of this year, I was invited to come do a presentation on behalf my company by a friend, who my company had did work for in the past,  and low and behold, while setting up the projector, I hear Mr. Infiniti's voice.  my friend was working for Mr. Inifiniti and I never knew his real name!! lol

It really is a small world.  I know there are countless number of people out there who can say, wow this is extremely deep.  But the down low lifestyle is filled with fake names, fake email addresses, and fake profiles on sex sites which i still don't get, and oh yeah lies.  I guess its the fate that we down low brothas get for living a lie, but I'm now realizing that we are all connected in some crazy sort of way.  I can remember being in a place and seeing people, that I thought had one life, or so they told me, and then it was completely different!!  At times, I feel utter shame for having slept with men, and then I see them in public and I try not to let my eyes or my face show, but I will be like dayum that nigga lied, he told me he was single, but i see him and he's got a ring on his finger and a wife on his arm. All the while, he's sleeping with a man behind her back....  I want to sometimes just give up and walk away from it all... but then there's something that just calls me back, maybe its the sex?  nah...not so much or maybe it's the fact of the thrill of the excitement.  I don't know but I"m anxiously waiting to see who or what will unfold before me. 

It truly is a small world after all!