The Scarlet Letter

Many times it is very difficult to understand the down low lifestyle, being gay, or especially being black and loving the same sex.  The down low lifestyle, being bisexual, being gay, and being black are all an enigma in and into itself.  Add religion and spirituality in there and you have a big ball of confusion.   There are times in my life, too many to count where I have said I am no longer going to do this!  I emphatically said no more sex with men!  and I believed myself........  but I have a confession to make I really love the Black man!  God created something wonderful when he created us!!  lol

Even before I got married I can remember the times when I would go to a midnight deliverance and prayer service and pray on the altar that God would remove "these feelings" from me.  TAKE IT AWAY JESUS!!...  I would pray and believe that I was the only one that was dealing with this, and everybody could see me wearing the scarlet letter of liking sex with men.  In the book, Hester Prynne conceived through an adulterous affair and struggle to create a life of repentance and dignity.  She was forced to wear a letter to let everyone in the city know she was an adulterous woman...Although I had not

conceived a child like she did, I was always struggling to repent for the steamy hot sessions I had in secret.  It was the scarlet letter, that I put upon myself. 


Society tends to put a scarlet letter on those that don't fit within the parameters of the social norms.  Which is what has happened within the African American community.  Every since I can remember, I always heard people talk about men who had too much sugar in their tank, or men that were so sweet it would give them a cavity.  These were the scarlet letters that society that in my opinion shaped those who were
desiring something that most people didn't understand.

Back to my original thoughts...there were so many times when I hated myself for having sex with men, times when I was disgusted the night after meeting some business man who was in town for a steamy hot session of oral sex, foreplay, and lots of kissing....I love to kiss...lol  Sorry I digress.  Well I found that somehow the scarlet letter that I was wearing attracts others who are wearing the scarlet letter too.  Although, unclockable, undetectable, somehow we meet people in life who are struggling with the same exact thing we are. 

I remember being on an online site and met a guy, who said he was in town for business... He asked me to come to his hotel room for some no strings fun.  Well turns out this guy was married, and a pastor of a church, something that I did not find out until afterwards.  His voice was deep and masculine as he whispered in my ear and licked my ear lobes.  The session was steamy and hot...we stroked, licked, and kissed each other that day, he ordered me room service, after he licked and ate every part of my ass.  But there was a quiet reservation to his freaky side.   We had a few conversations after he had left town, but he seemed a bit embarrassed that he had this struggle, and this occupation.  Sometimes the scarlet letter is not the easiest thing to deal with. 

Perhaps the multiple times that I've prayed, fasted, cried out to God, drank oil, rebuked the devil, and pleaded the blood, i would at least think that I would have some type of deliverance from something that now become a nemesis to me at times.

I have often wondered however, why I have not been able to shake it?  And why is it every time, I say I'm going to do better, I say I'm going to be faithful and honor my marriage, and I'm not going to sleep with any more men, I'm going to delete my online sex profiles and secret email accounts, that the very moment I say that, it's like there is a scarlet letter on me that says, Down Low brothers come talk to me, give me the eye, wink at me, slide me ur number.  I mean I recently said that and I know that two guys from my past now all of a sudden want to get up... Hell one married guy texted me last week saying, let's get a hotel room together.  He and I got a hotel room several months ago and had some fun.  We had finally gotten tired of meeting in dark parking lots sucking and kissing in the car....What the fuck?  Hell even one time we met at the lake and screwed on a picnic table after dark, talk about nervous as hell.....i just knew the police park ranger or some nighttime jogger was gonna come by and call the cops on us!! lol  Although it was hot the summer time mosquitoes had a field day... man I had bites on my ass, legs, back and chest... Bet the hell I'll never do that shit again!!  lol

This shit is getting crazy... I am ready to move on...and figure my life out, what i want, which includes do I want to stay in my marriage like many men do and continue sleep with men, or do I want to be honest with myself...and not go all out rainbow flag waving and shit but be honest for once in my life without bearing the shame.?  What do you think.. this scarlet letter is really getting to me.