Chronicles of A Down Low Brotha

Caught Between Two Worlds

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The End of the Age of Innocence

So I know its been a while but I know its time for me to begin writing again and be consistent...As much as I would love to preserve my naivete, and my innocence in being able to understand and know when another guy is interested and gets down, I must say that I am now coming to realize that for many years I have missed so many signs and signals that were right in front of my face but somehow I ignored it.

I have realized that down low brothers come in all types.  i know you're probably saying well no shit!  but It has taken me a long time to come to the understanding of this phenomenon.  It is quite interesting that for many years I have been a very spiritual being; raised in the church, family who were clergy, and lead many church activities, I have always been the type of individual that hid my sexuality like a deep dark secret hidden in the abyss of my own conscience.  Although I had had a few experiences in exploring my sexuality with men while growing up, it wasn't enough to open my eyes to the world that was existing around me. 
As a matter of fact it was as if, I was the visitor to a foreign country.  I never experienced oral sex until my senior year in high school where a friend of mine, gave me head for the first time.  As a matter of fact it was in the atrium of the library, tucked away behind the massive trees and gardens, on a bench is where I first experienced the euphoria of oral sex and ejaculating into his mouth as he sucked and swallowed every bit of my cum.  In college, I didn't have the experience of exploring VERY MUCH because I was always so afraid that people would find out and I would be attached to the stigma of what I had sat around and joked and laughed about.  I myself found myself sneaking on sites like cruisingforsex.com and finding the spots where I could go and hook up for anonymous sex without the chance of anyone finding out.  I had to have a way to release, and preserve my sexuality.  I found myself in bookstores, restrooms and the like where people were known to be cruising for a sex hookup.  Although, I was participating in this undercover world, I could not believe that anyone else could ever be engaged in what I was feeling or experiencing. 

It wasn't until after college, marriage, and finally reconnecting with  people who i went to school with, that I began to realize that all along other guys who I thought were straight especially in college, were on the down low.  I mean I began to find out about Kappas, Alphas, damn...even some fine ass Q-dogs, athletes...who all got down and I was like how did I miss the signs, even more importantly, how did I miss the fun!!??  I reconnected with a friend of mine who told me all about some of the goings on at our beloved Alma mater and I was completely floored.  Never in my life, could I imagine that the world around me is not so foreign and not so different but for so many years I refused to allow myself the decency of being real and honest and not being afraid to see what was really there the whole time.  It was this same friend that told me that several people had expressed interest in me, but thought that I was unapproachable or couldn't tell if I indeed "got down like that".... lol funny to me.  I was so shocked to find out that me being so scared and spiritual had possibly caused me to miss some very good relationships in my life.  Who knows had I not been so spiritual, maybe I would have been honest with myself and not walked down that aisle, not asked someone to marry me that I knew could never have 100% all of my desire.  Now i share my body with other men secretly taking pictures at their request in the bathroom, as if I haven't learned from the Bishop Eddie Long saga.

Hence, the end of the age of innocence.  Now, I am slowly realizing and beginning to see the writing on the wall, as my grandmother would say!  I now longer see blindly....which is a good thing and a bad thing.  I am noticing the stares, the smiles, the looks, and even the subtle hints that I have missed for so many years.  For example, I was in the library and there was a guy who asked to share a table with me, well maybe a few weeks later I was on adam4adam (i know don't judge me, I have since deleted that shit), i was chatting with a guy and he unlocks his private picture and it's the dude from the library!!  I was like damn!! how did I miss the signs!  As I endeavor to juggle this lifestyle and come to grips with the decisions I have to make, I feel as if, with each passing day, a new part of this lifestyle is revealed to me.  The end of this era in my life, is partly the reason why I feel as if maybe i should end my marriage and move on.  During the course of my journey into self discovery, I have found that there are so many men who are struggling.  Who live this dichotomy of a life and are still trying to manage it.  The world of men who stand in the bathroom and snap pictures of their chiseled and muscular bodies, or the men who subtly remove their shirts while talking to you after a competitive game of tag football or a day of yard work... hmmm the signs are there and I have been missing them!!


 
I know there are some guys who don't mind being married and fucking men on the side, they only see it as sex.  But then there are some men like me who are deep down hopeless romantics, so when it comes to sex, its just not physical but it's an emotional connection.  I recently meet a preacher who invited me to his hotel room while he was here, and he said to me, "if my congregation knew that I loved
sleeping with men, I wouldn't have a church, but i hope that I can find that one person, who can understand my preacher side and my human side, so that i don't have to sleep with everybody all across the country."  My eyes are being opened with each passing day, and I'm glad now that I'm no longer ignoring what's right in front of me, but opening myself to see that I'm not in this alone.