Chronicles of A Down Low Brotha

Caught Between Two Worlds

Thursday, December 30, 2010

I Must Have Been Out of My Mind

Anyone that knows me knows that Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year and by far my favorite holiday.  Yet this Christmas, I don't know things were different.  I wasn't my usual jolly self, I didn't overexert myself with Christmas shopping nor did I spend a lot of money!  Yet it was very nice to see all of the eye candy that was in the malls, outlets and stores.  I was wondering, where did these fine ass brothas come from?  Do they actually live here!!??  hahaha.....yes I was looking on the sly..... For some reason though while shopping in the packed mall, a feeling of nervousness and paranoia came over me, a feeling that I might see someone I didn't want to see or know.  You know you get that feeling when you go somewhere, "i'm gonna see somebody I know."  Well I saw "Braxton," we nodded at each other as we passed on the escalators...then he smiled sneakily.  I remember that sneaky grin, which is what got me in trouble back in the day.  I went on to finish getting the little things i was going to buy but seeing him brought a flashback.... 
As I was doing my Christmas shopping I couldn't help but remember the fun time I had with "Braxton" in the mall. Even more crazy is that I saw him in the very same mall... This prompted me to think.  Today I thought about some of the crazy things that I've done in my life, and how I've taken risks just for a few moments of pleasure....LOL Thinking on it made me hard but it also said thank God i didn't get caught because I must have been out of my mind.  I have since slowed my roll and have not been too risque to say the least.  I'd rather be a freak inside than rather in the public...

But a few years ago, I met this Tall (6'3") lightskinned tall & lightskinned, are my weaknesses.  This guy happened to be a Academic Dean at a local university.  Well we had talked off and on via phone and chatted online. We decided to take the conversation offline and finally meet in person.

I just so happened to be at the mall getting a birthday gift that day, when I received a text asking "where r u?"  i replied and said @ the mall wassup?  he replied "i'm two minutes from the mall, you gonna stay there and lemme see u?"  i replied "sure, but gotta be quick, got shyt 2 do"

Five minutes later we were meeting in front of Lord & Taylor, and he was smiling from ear to ear.  I said what the fuck is so funny...  Braxton said well i'm just surprised you let me see you.  He did a once over and took a sneak peak at my ass and whispered, "damn, u got a phatty...lemme get some of that before you go to your party."  I laughed and said, "Dude u crazy, i'm nowhere near my house or yours."  He then said let's go into a dressing room or a bathroom..."Dude even more crazy, I'm not getting arrested either."  But the temptation was strong and my dick was getting hard thinking about freaking with this fine ass nigga in the mall, and not getting caught.

Braxton coerced me and we ended up headed to one of the department stores bathroom.   He went in first and I followed about 3 minutes later.  Fortunately it was a bathroom with lots of stalls and he opted for the very last one, you know the handicap stall.  Once i got in the stall, he pulled out his dick and I started sucking... he was moaning and sighing like the head was out of this world.. I kept pinching him  and telling him to be quiet.  A few patrons came in the bathroom, pissed, and left and in between people coming in, we stopped  and quietly kissed while he groped my ass and balls.  I started giving him head again like the shit was going out of style...Braxton started to squirt and I quietly moved so he could shoot in the toilet, and so he wouldn't get any cum on my clothes LOL

We kissed a few times after and we fixed our clothes and then left. I enjoyed so much the freaky side that he brought out of me, but don't think I would chance it again..... I nervously walked out of the bathroom, thinking I must have been out of my mind......

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Random Thoughts....

Thought 1 - I'll be glad when this christmas charade is over.... why is it that everytime a holiday comes around we are supposed to act like Dick and Jane, all on one accord and shit, and ignore the fact that we basically tolerated, cussed out, and fought each other the last 11 months of the year.

Thought 2 - How come every time December come around...we need to start making damn new years' resolutions about how we going to fix shit and stop hurting one another!?  my thought is you shut the hell up, leave me the hell alone!  and stop living life like its golden!  cause its really bronze......

Thought 3 - How is it that what you really want always seems so far away?  How is it that what you want never really wants you the way you want it??  How can you stop wanting something you know you really want but doesn't want you in the same manner you want it?

Thought 4 - How is it that what really wants you, you can't possibly want it the way it needs to be wanted because you're to focused on what really doesn't want you?

Thought 5 - Why is James so enamored with me?  Now he wants to buy me things and meet ALL of my needs.....  Doesn't he realize that i'm married right now?

Thought 6 - Why am I considering buying that mercedes? lol..aren't we in a recession?

Thought 7 - Why is it that when you make up your mind to focus, distractions come and demand your attention?

Thought 8 -  Where the FUCK is Markham??  disappeared on me.....i know how to take hints....

lol completely random i know...just in a weird place right now, drained physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially.....  What are some of your random thoughts??

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Its been 3 Weeks....Since We've Had Sex

"Its been 3 weeks"…..she sighed. Yeah that’s the tired and lifeless expression my wife gave me. I hadn’t even realized that the time had elapsed that much. In my head, I was thinking, how does she remember exactly how long its been?  and shit I can barely remember what the fuck happened from week to week.  I mean I'm not trying to be insensitive or not caring but shit...

Well my wife has started talking about the sex again or the lack thereof. See I’m married to a spiritual woman, who comes from a long lineage of pastor’s, clergymen, clergywomen, evangelists, and prophets (or profits if you so choose).  But through all of our ups and downs she still stays committed to trying to repair and fix the marriage.  She wants to know why i go to sleep each night without fucking her, am i no longer attracted to her, a man my age usually has a high sex drive, and the list goes on....No matter how many times I've said I was divorcing her, leaving, never coming back, how much we said we hated each other.  Even when it's time to put the petal to the metal she somehow finagles her way back to keep me locked into the marriage.  She believes in death to us part and marriage is honorable in all.  The sad part is sometimes she can make me so angry that I feel like part of me has died.  You see sometimes when you're on the down low you have to numb yourself to certain things or else you risk losing everything.  Its a give and take and somehow the women or wife in my case holds all the wild cards...

Some would say, well you're not locked in. .... be a man and if you want out then leave.  That's easier said than done.  I've always wrestled with this thing called fear of abandonment.  Not so much anymore of people leaving me, because I really love to be alone and not bothered!!  Shit a brother loves some me time... anyway but I am a loyalist, which I think sometimes works to my disadvantage.  When I connect to someone I'm their friend to the end, no matter how many times they hurt or do me wrong, I always somehow finding myself forgiving them and bringing them back close.  However, at this juncture in my life I have come to grips with understanding the fear of abandoning others who depend on me.  Whether its job, civic involvement, church, friends, kids, and even down to the marriage that I often loathe, there is a fear of leaving someone else with the responsibility that once belonged to me.  I mean I have stayed in jobs and churches out of the mere fact that I felt they needed me so I didn't leave even though I knew the expiration date for my time there had already long passed.

There have been times that we have fought and I have said some very mean things to my wife and she to me, but it never fails that when I man up and shock the fuck out of her..she wants to throw the pussy in my face as if that's going to make everything alright.  As a matter of fact that shit makes it worse, because it doesn't give me the climax I get when I'm with a man.  I mean I have had phone sex with guys that have made me bust harder than I have while fucking my wife.  When we first got married, it was never this bad. We fucked all the time!  But something has happened... I'm not as naive and young as I was then, I was able to ignore my feelings.

But my wife says, it's been 3 weeks since we've had sex.  Don't you want this pussy?  I absolutely hate to see her beg pitifully as if I'm this monster withholding the damn pipe from her.  I will say it is utterly amazing that I can still fuck her and after its over I'm thinking about another dude.  What the fuck is wrong with me.  Don't get it twisted I still love pussy and how it feels sliding up and down on my pipe, but it's just that sex. Hell I remember one time we had a huge blow out fight and she told me to leave.  Happy, I started packing my things, but when she realized what I was doing she came over and put her pussy right in my mouth.  I ate that shit for points... haha 

But when I'm with a man, somehow, the pleasure takes me to a place to where I didn't know I could achieve.  Plain and simple brothas bring out da freak in me.

Reluctantly we fucked, i busted she squirted.  I figure that will at least quiet her for a while, until she decides that its been another few weeks again.  And then the cycle will begin again.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Propensity of a Potentially Potential Possibility

For the most part, I would say that I am a very pure individual.  Pure meaning in my motives, in my character, how I look at life and its situations. I know you're probably are saying yeah right, considering the life I live. It is easy for me because of my upbringing to be very surprised when things, people, situations happen in my life that are to my liking.  I was raised in a single parent home, so my mother wasn't really a pessimist in as much as she was a realist.  Rarely did she ever get the opportunity to sit and small the roses, and rarely did she ever see the potential that life had to offer.  So when I grew up and was able to go to college and live on my own, I somewhat vowed to myself that I would be an optimist instead of being a pessimist or a realist in her words.

However after a few of life's knocks and blows...(of which there are some blows I love ;-)), you kind of somehow revert to your upbringing.  I don't know if I'm the only person that can identify with that but no matter how far, how fast, or how long we run from our past; there's always some part of it that we carry with us into our present and our future.

One thing about this lifestyle, this journey, this struggle, is that whether you like it or not, you're always searching for something, someone to complete or fill some deep seeded void that is missing in your marriage. I can honestly say that I have come to grips with my reality.  This reality is the reason why i started this blog.  I had come to a crossroads in my life, and I needed a way to express myself... It doesn't matter how many men who sleep with men say, "I just like having sex with men, but I'm not gay, and I sure as hell ain't leaving my wife", they must really admit that there is something, a connection, that you feel or you get while you're in that moment.  And it doesn't matter how hot the dude is, or how muscular he is, or how he rocks your world, really its the connection, the commonality, the bond, the sense of being wanted, desired that you are really after. 

I must admit, and I think I've said it before, but I am a very passionate person.  So I know the reason why I don't get involved in having sex with a lot of dudes anymore is because as I get older, sex becomes more than just a bust and go.....  Hmmm so when recently I came in contact with passionately and pleasurably positively potential possibility, it really began to mess with me.  Not really sure if it was a good way or a bad way or a combination of both, but nonetheless, it messed with me.  

Dreamy Nigga lol...and no this is not him

I recently met this guy, who we'll call "Markham".  I honestly had no idea that we would ever meet or talk, I just watched and enjoyed who I was learning him to be from afar.  His life is not predictable and he is amazing.  Its really amazing to me how thoughts that cross your mind somehow find your way into your reality. We have very similar stories, never met in person, other than exchange of pictures, but he is a jewel, I really don't think he knows how wonderful he is, and how sexy, fine, and just good looking.  We exchanged pictures, and I was like DAMN!!!  I could never have someone like know the kind of guy you would see in a magazine and only dream about???.  He and I share similar stories, similar tastes, and definitely similar desires.  Only problem we live 265 miles apart....Ugh....5 1/2 hours apart..  He is amazing, his voice is incredible (which is a major turn on), his eyes and lips, his swagga (which i know he has just from how he, brotha got it going on.  He is everything, I could want or desire, he's brilliant, loving, he works hard to take care of business, caring, a good father, shit...he's making me step up my game in the dad area, he's confident...he's spiritual, and did I mention he's sexy??  So the pessimist in me, was very afraid when he asked me to send me a picture.  I never thought I was very photogenic, and I absolutely hate taking pictures, and I never ever send a picture.  But he SEEMS different, so  I sent him a picture and his response was in my mind I was like, he didn't like my pic.. but then he continued with our conversations, our texts, and now my face lights up when I see his number on my caller ID.  I couldn't imagine how anyone as attractive as he is could in the least bit think that I looked nice...

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, my great grandmother used to say, "people will come and go in your life, some people are reasonal and some are seasonal.  baby, find the reasonal people and hold on to them."  You don't have to allow any season to last in your life that you don't want.  But already, i want this season to never end.  I'm not saying that he's going to leave his wife and family to be with me, that would be naive and wishful thinking, but what I am saying is that I believe and feel that he is reasonal, and I hope that if something blossoms, if something comes out of it, or if we just happen to become great friends, I hope and pray that the season he has in my life will never end....  Keep your eyes and ears open....we're in for a long ride (no pun intended) lol  Because this is potentially going to be a pleasant provocation! this muthafucka make a nigga wanna move!!  but taking is slow and sure, cause my mind keeps playing tricks on me lol

I know this post is a bit confusing and scatter brained but in the short time I've met this person, he has blown my mind, sent my imagination to places it's never been before, and given me a reason to hope.  Hope in the fact that I can make it.  So I'm a little beside myself, because yeah I've met some great people but never felt such a connection as I have these last few moments...  So i hope that i can pull my mind and thoughts together.......
Let me know your thoughts.....

Monday, December 13, 2010

Good things Come to those Who Wait?

Most people who have been on the down low, gay, or bisexual can all tell stories of having a casual sexual encounter in which it was the pits! The person has body odor, didn’t wash well, didn’t prepare well enough, or just plain didn’t know what they were doing.

Then there are those once in a blue moon encounters that leave you panting, breathing and begging for more. Wondering where has this person been hiding? Where have they been? And why did it take us so long to meet. It is the chance encounters like this that leave you wondering is it worth staying in a relationship, questioning your sexuality, and some of the choices and decisions you made in life? Am I the only one that after sorta kind of beginning to figure this thing out am like, damn I wish I would have enjoyed this sooner?  Is it possible to be so attracted and drawn to this person, after just one hot encounter?  Ever so often I decide to wait for the right thing to come along, and now I'm wondering if I've met the right thing.  And how do you possibly meet the right thing and still be married??  there is a lot of thinking to be done here.

My story….I know I've had my share of sexual encounters where you meet someone online and after a few exchanges and discussing what each other  "likes to get into" you decide well I'm horny and let's get up and see if the "vibe is right".  well we all know that is some bullshit... LOL  Well I know all of us have decided to meet someone and when we got there, they look absolutely nothing like their picture, or they are a few 100 lbs heavier than what their stats say..  as if I wasn't going to notice that the Pillsbury dough boy when you answered the door, or that crooked eye, or maybe that polio-induced limp as you walk to the door?.. I mean really??  I mean people these are things that really make you go hmmmm I'm tired of this shit.

But then there are a few chance encounters where you meet someone that will make your head spin, body quiver, and a smile come to your face just with a passing thought.  I think in my time of playing around, I could probably count on 1 hand and 2 fingers the guys that I was actually blown away by (pun intended) 
Well a few months back, before I deleted my profile on an online sex site, I was browsing around and a familiar screen name hit me up.  I know we had chatted several times online, and talked of possibly hooking up but it seemed to never work out.  Well this time was a bit different, I was online and looking and apparently so was he, the sense of urgency was there and he wanted to meet. He said he was leaving the office and to go ahead and meet him at his place... So i agreed to meet "James"

He gave me the address to his place and I put it in my GPS and was there.  I arrived at his condo downtown, which he came down to meet me in the lobby to let me up...  When I saw him, in my mind I was like damn!!  this nigga gets down??  impossible.  There is always that initial moment of insecurity where I'm wondering to myself if he's okay with me, am I attractive enough, or am I not his type.  Insecurity was off the meter this time, because he was very very attractive, about 6'3" 185 lbs, clean cut, with a smile that made me say damn, had on a shirt, a loosened tie, and some dress slacks.  He honestly reminded me of the guy in the movie Glory Road (Mechad Brooks).   He came down and looked out the door in a jokingly way, and gave me a smile, acted like he was going to walk away, then came back and buzzed me in.  So fine and a sense of humor... this should be interesting. His smell was a clean scent as if he had just left the Nordstrom cologne counter, he smelled good as I followed he and his scent up the stairs... He asked me if I found it okay and nervously, I said yeah, still reeling from his good looks and his strong essence.  He said, "yo you got time?  Imma hop in the shower real quick, have a seat and make yourself comfortable, just don't be snooping, will you wait on me? good things come to those who wait "  I laughed nervously and said aiight cool, don't make me wait too long."

A few minutes later he appeared with a towel wrapped around him and still a little damp and said come on back and why not naked I laughed..and got up and followed him back... I noticed how toned and sculpted his back and his calves were, all i kept saying to myself damn damn damn....this is going to be something.  His calves were off the chain.. I love calves on a brotha...

Apparently we went to a guest bedroom, he dropped his towel, and said "so wassup, u gonna give me the bizness" and started pulling my clothes off... I could feel my heartbeat pounding faster as my body started to respond to his touch.  His big hands palmed my head and ass, like he was palming a basketball and he leaned in to kiss me.  I shied away because normally kissing is something I reserve and don't do unless I am really feeling the person, but his passion as he kissed my neck, ears and nipples was driving me insane.  He leaned in for another kiss on the lips and it was on. 

One thing about me is that I am a very passionate person, and kissing is a major turn on for me.  In a moment of exhilaration he pushed me on the bed and started feeding me his 9 inches.  I must laugh a little because not only was it long but the shit was thick as hell.  after sucking, doing 69, kissing, licking each others nipples, James just let his and my inner freak out, He licked and kissed me from head to toe.  He flipped me over and then ate my ass for seemed like an eternity.  In the midst of his sucking and eating, he moaned "damn yo, i can eat this booty all nite. it's hairy like i like that shit"  the sounds of his sucking and licking mixed with the feeling of his warm tongue pressing up against my ass sent my body into overdrive... I started trying to push him away but he grabbed my hands with his muscular arms and pinned them to the bed... HOT AS HELL!!!  I'm still trying to gather myself......but simply amazing.

After we be both reached euphoria, he ran into the bathroom made a hot towel, and cleaned me and himself off...He then said, "don't get up yet, i'll be right back".... he came back and he said, "do you mind we just hold each other?"  lol nah I smiled and nah its all good....but in my mind I know this is dangerous, because I don't want to fall for him... and yet still doubting myself, I hope he doesn't fall for me I been a long time since I have had something as passionate as that...we laid there in silence, something unspoken but so very loud... there are times when you just need to release and be with someone that understands what you experience.  James is that someone.

As I left, i received a text message from him, saying "lock this # in....I don't kno wat happened 2nite, but i want 2 c u again, i'll b waitin...dont make me wait 2 long"  ........

I texted back and said, "Good things cum 2 those who wait"

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Bishop Eddie Long....and down Low Brothas in the church??

The Accused Bishop, complete wearing a nice fluffy poodle
on his head.

I wanted to finally comment on the issues surrounding the atlanta megachurch pastor Bishop Eddie Long.  Now as a disclaimer, in no way am I stating that the allegations filed against him are true or that Bishop Eddie Long is a down-low brother.  The purpose for this post is to just talk about the taboo that has existed in particularly the "black church" for many years. Oh boy here we go....

A few posts ago, I blogged lightly about the down low phenomenon and the black church, but I would have never thought that the sex scandal with the ultra-masculine Bishop Eddie Long would come to light.  

HOTLANTA's finest @ Pride

Bishop Eddie Long, mega church pastor of New Birth Missionary Baptist Church, has now been named in four separate lawsuits alleging sexual coercion of young men in Atlanta, Georgia. Hotlanta!  You know the ATL, well there's not much to leave there to wonder about.... I mean come on its Atlanta.  The black gay mecca of the south!  I means boys & girls for that matter are packing up moving there in droves and I mean it's the fine men!! I have always been a bit naive when being able to tell... so when I saw some pictures of some men in the ATL @ some events, I was like HOT DAMN!!  I know why now just look at this picture to the left.....------->

Anyway..Bishop Long, in the words of the Southern Poverty Law Center, “is one of the most virulently homophobic black leaders in the religiously based anti-gay movement.”  I personally have had the opportunity to visit Bishop Long's church on multiple occasions and even have VERY close family members who attend and are ministers at the church.  I must say that when I've visited the church on numerous occasions in the past, Bishop Long has always projected nothing but a extremely strong and masculine image including the muscle  However the congregation and men in the church were clearly suspect, it made me wonder.  I mean very suspect!!  They have a large affiliation with several Greek alumni chapters in the stone mountain and lithonia area... Hmmmmmm

Like the formerly-closeted Ken Mehlman, who recently repented for his work to prevent gay marriage, these lawsuits, if substantiated, would suggest that Long’s homophobia began with his own self-loathing.

Now main stream media considers the story especially disturbing because the manner in which Long is alleged to have lured young men on trips and sexual encounters. Calling the plaintiffs his “spiritual sons,” the lawsuit states that Long used various rituals in a ceremony to “seal” his “sons”—including candles, exchange of jewelry, and discussion of biblical verses that reinforce the spiritual and God-like connection between himself and the young man.  Growing up in the black charismatic church, to his defense a lot of pastors now consider many of their parishioners to be "spiritual sons and daughters" for that matter.  I think that portion is a case of main stream media not understanding the dynamics of the black church.

Isn’t this the man who marched with Bernice King alongside five thousand African Americans against gay marriage? As Sarah Posner points out here on RD, this practice of manipulating congregants into sexual relationships stems from “kingdom now” relational theology, mandating close relationships with spiritual leaders or “spiritual parents” in an individual’s life.

Conveniently, Long’s Longfellows Youth Academy was a place where young black men could be “trained to love, live and lead,” with Long and others acting as “spiritual parents.” Though they appear to have been taken down the website had included testimonials such as: “My real journey to Manhood didn’t start until I joined Longfellows.”

Another testimonial powerpoint outlined how the Ishman masculine journey and Bishop Long’s teachings about the bloodline stated that their “bloodlines should not be destroyed” and that “we have to take care of our bloodline because if we don’t, we are not doing our jobs as men.” With the revelations of sexual activity and the link of one of the plaintiffs to the academy, the academy is being sued, along with New Birth church as a corporation.

However, that’s only part of the story. Sex scandals happen everyday in church because leaders and members of strict churches can’t uphold the high standards of living they promote, aspire to, and harangue people over. The endless carousel of revelations about the Catholic Church worldwide is exhibit A of that broken message. In that sense, there is nothing new here.

The real story however, is that this case explodes the cover of the black church’s internal don’t ask, don’t tell policy which has had a profound effect on the community and its followers. It’s very interesting that the Long scandal broke almost immediately after black pastors led by Bishop Harry Jackson came together with the Family Research Council to oppose the repeal of the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Act. Many black pastors have staked their entire ministries on the “family” and the obsession with mainstream gender norms that encourage heterosexual marriage, abstinence, and patriarchal norms. It is an all-encompassing message that is obsessed with the suppression of sexuality in black churches, mega-churches and storefronts alike.

The core issue however is “respectability.” The obsession with mainline and black prosperity churches to show well groomed African Americans as prosperous, good, heterosexual Christians has gutted the social justice message of urban black churches. President Obama has even bought into the message of “talking down to the folks” with messages about delinquent fathers and feeding kids Popeye’s for breakfast. Meanwhile, the activities of black church leaders in sexual scandals, including Jeremiah Wright, websites that track sexual abuse, and blogs concerning “policing” black church sexuality suggest that the don’t ask don’t tell policy about sexuality in any form in the black church is alive and well.

The Homophobia and sexophobia of black church leaders can be found in their literature, preaching, and revivalism. Intrepid preachers and evangelists use sexuality in titles of books and preaching to get followers to buy their extended respectability sermons, packaged as sensual tomes like The Lady The Lover and her Lord, Foreplay: Sexual Healing for Spiritual Wholeness, or No More Sheets. Then emotional meetings are arranged so that everyone can “confess” and feel clean while the ‘leader” can be shown to be above reproach.  Now growing up in church it has been said for many years, that the preachers who preach the loudest and hardest about a sin, are usually the one struggling with it themselves!!  Case in point, there was a preacher in my hometown, many years ago, who preached against adultery!!  every sermon he talked about somehow found a way to talk about cheatin' on yo' wife!!  lol  Well it eventually came out that he had not only cheated on his wife but was still cheating and had fathered two children outside of the marriage, in which the estranged mistress showed up to church one sunday and showed out!!  lol... imagine the ride home after church!?

The master at this is Donnie McClurkin, whose tearful testimonies about being molested and sleeping with men culminated at the past Church of God in Christ (COGIC) convocation with him wailing about people “turning out” the children. Perhaps he forgot where he was turned out first. The church.
So the Eddie Long crisis is not just a crisis for himself, the accusers, Long’s family and the church; it’s a clarion call to African-American churches to cease and desist with the homophobia and finally start to deal with the fact that its not the folks in the pews who need to be disciplined, it’s the corrupt, bankrupt leadership of many, though not all, churches. The endless round of pastor’s anniversaries, offerings, and the fawning “my pastor is God and can do no wrong” theology of black churches needs to stop.

It's these types of railing accusations and blatant criticisms that lead men to take pictures in the bathroom and send them to their secret lovers.

The absolute fealty to leadership and the “man” of god, enforced with scriptures like “don’t touch God’s anointed” have left so many victims in their wake that it’s a wonder people bother to even go to church anymore. When you factor in the money people have put into ministries that pimp them out and put them down, that’s an abusive relationship predicated on loving God and paying to be close to “God’s representative.” If the Catholic church can’t get a pass on its sexual and pedophilia scandals, why should mega-church pastors?

This frenzied focus on sexuality has stunted the understandings about what sex is and is not within the black church tradition. The older generation of repressed members criticize rappers for promoting bitches, hoes, and a bling lifestyle even as pastors’ bling lifestyles of prosperity, on-the-low sexuality, and repression reinforce rappers’ messages with biblical patriarchy, minimally suppressed misogyny, and fake respectability—all under the guise of spiritual authority.  We are now forced to reckon with something that many many men are struggling with and thats sexuality and religion.  I used to feel condemned by feeling the way I felt towards men, but as we can see, even the Bishop can be subject to allegedly liking men as well.

bishop Robert Reaves

Reaves Roommate, Randolph

Even more so disturbing was the story several years ago, concerning a North Carolina Bishop, Robert Reaves who murdered a North Carolina Central University 23 year old female student who was dating his roommate, who was offered free rent in exchange for oral sex!! 

What are your thoughts concerning this ordeal being brought to like and how do you think this will shift the paradigm in how we respond, preach, and teach about sexuality in the church?  I think Carlton Pearson provided a very strong argument in his interview on CNN concerning this.... you should check it out.

Even more so interesting is that the huffington post, recently reported that Bishop Long has agreed to mediation to response to the raging allegations against him.  Bishop Eddie Long agreeing to mediation of sexual coercion charges is an end-run around the universally accepted moral and ethical responsibilities of any ecumenical leader. Mediation of sexual allegation grievances is tantamount to an admission of "some" guilt, "some" form of ministerial misconduct. Innocent folk don't make deals if the claims against them are baseless and untrue. Mediation for the accused is a forfeiture of the right to ever claim innocence, and readers should be absolutely clear on this point.  check out the article at the huffington post below:

What are your thoughts??  Where do you see sexuality going in the black church?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Scarlet Letter

Many times it is very difficult to understand the down low lifestyle, being gay, or especially being black and loving the same sex.  The down low lifestyle, being bisexual, being gay, and being black are all an enigma in and into itself.  Add religion and spirituality in there and you have a big ball of confusion.   There are times in my life, too many to count where I have said I am no longer going to do this!  I emphatically said no more sex with men!  and I believed myself........  but I have a confession to make I really love the Black man!  God created something wonderful when he created us!!  lol

Even before I got married I can remember the times when I would go to a midnight deliverance and prayer service and pray on the altar that God would remove "these feelings" from me.  TAKE IT AWAY JESUS!!...  I would pray and believe that I was the only one that was dealing with this, and everybody could see me wearing the scarlet letter of liking sex with men.  In the book, Hester Prynne conceived through an adulterous affair and struggle to create a life of repentance and dignity.  She was forced to wear a letter to let everyone in the city know she was an adulterous woman...Although I had not
conceived a child like she did, I was always struggling to repent for the steamy hot sessions I had in secret.  It was the scarlet letter, that I put upon myself. 

Society tends to put a scarlet letter on those that don't fit within the parameters of the social norms.  Which is what has happened within the African American community.  Every since I can remember, I always heard people talk about men who had too much sugar in their tank, or men that were so sweet it would give them a cavity.  These were the scarlet letters that society that in my opinion shaped those who were
desiring something that most people didn't understand.

Back to my original thoughts...there were so many times when I hated myself for having sex with men, times when I was disgusted the night after meeting some business man who was in town for a steamy hot session of oral sex, foreplay, and lots of kissing....I love to  Sorry I digress.  Well I found that somehow the scarlet letter that I was wearing attracts others who are wearing the scarlet letter too.  Although, unclockable, undetectable, somehow we meet people in life who are struggling with the same exact thing we are. 

I remember being on an online site and met a guy, who said he was in town for business... He asked me to come to his hotel room for some no strings fun.  Well turns out this guy was married, and a pastor of a church, something that I did not find out until afterwards.  His voice was deep and masculine as he whispered in my ear and licked my ear lobes.  The session was steamy and hot...we stroked, licked, and kissed each other that day, he ordered me room service, after he licked and ate every part of my ass.  But there was a quiet reservation to his freaky side.   We had a few conversations after he had left town, but he seemed a bit embarrassed that he had this struggle, and this occupation.  Sometimes the scarlet letter is not the easiest thing to deal with. 

Perhaps the multiple times that I've prayed, fasted, cried out to God, drank oil, rebuked the devil, and pleaded the blood, i would at least think that I would have some type of deliverance from something that now become a nemesis to me at times.

I have often wondered however, why I have not been able to shake it?  And why is it every time, I say I'm going to do better, I say I'm going to be faithful and honor my marriage, and I'm not going to sleep with any more men, I'm going to delete my online sex profiles and secret email accounts, that the very moment I say that, it's like there is a scarlet letter on me that says, Down Low brothers come talk to me, give me the eye, wink at me, slide me ur number.  I mean I recently said that and I know that two guys from my past now all of a sudden want to get up... Hell one married guy texted me last week saying, let's get a hotel room together.  He and I got a hotel room several months ago and had some fun.  We had finally gotten tired of meeting in dark parking lots sucking and kissing in the car....What the fuck?  Hell even one time we met at the lake and screwed on a picnic table after dark, talk about nervous as hell.....i just knew the police park ranger or some nighttime jogger was gonna come by and call the cops on us!! lol  Although it was hot the summer time mosquitoes had a field day... man I had bites on my ass, legs, back and chest... Bet the hell I'll never do that shit again!!  lol

This shit is getting crazy... I am ready to move on...and figure my life out, what i want, which includes do I want to stay in my marriage like many men do and continue sleep with men, or do I want to be honest with myself...and not go all out rainbow flag waving and shit but be honest for once in my life without bearing the shame.?  What do you think.. this scarlet letter is really getting to me.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

It's a Small World After All

I have never been a person who believed in the theory of 6 degrees of separation.  As a matter of fact the whole idea of Six degrees of separation (also referred to as the "Human Web") refers to the idea that everyone is on average approximately six steps away from any other person on Earth, so that a chain of, "a friend of a friend" statements can be made, on average, to connect any two people in six steps or fewer.  When  you are on the down low the six degrees could very well hold true however.  I am now beginning to believe more and more that it is a small world after all and somehow, we are all sort of connected in some freaky cosmic sort of way....

Let me explain...As am trying to effectively manage and juggle my life and the many new endeavors, twists and turns my life is taking, I am now finding that some of the decisions I've made during my experimental phases in life are now coming to stare me back in the face and somehow people that I experimented with were or are connected to others that I experimented with.  Thanks to social media networks such as facebook, I am now finding that people are much connected than I knew, thought, or even imagined. Hey birds of a feather flock together.  Hmmmm?

It can be very difficult to hide the part of you that is always yearning to get out.....but when you start to realize that you are not in this by yourself, it becomes a little bit easier to manage.  An occasional sexual encounter seems to ease the pain.... lol no pun intended...  As I began to explore this damnable (not really but you get the picture)  part of my sexuality I began to find various avenues for releasing the tension.  I would be mortified if anyone from my church found out, I would be crucified if anyone in my family ever knew, so I conceded to hiding the part of me that I had not yet totally or fully understood.  One of the ways was online sites where you set  up a profile, add a hot or steamy picture, and wait for a sexual hook up.  Then there's that occasional craigslist ad that you find where married men, down low brothers all post ads for sex now, while my lover or girl is away or out of town. 

Well a few years ago, when I was exploring the wonders of men, especially black men, I had responded to an ad online, and after a few email exchanges and exchange of phone numbers, we decided to meet just to see if the vibe was there.  He was a married man, had been divorced previously, had 3 children and was a professional.  A college professor as well as the CEO of his own business.  He told me, "let's meet at the gas station on main street, it will have to be quick because I'm gonna tell my wife, I'm going to grab a newspaper and a soda, and i got run by the office to get some paperwork i forgot."  So i said deal... well we met and he was very attractive stocky muscular build, nice smile, clean cut, smelling good, with some baggy sweats and timbs on."  I wasn't expecting his rough side, since he had previously described himself as a professional but on the front of his car was Greek plates.  So i was like ok this dude has a rough side.  At this point, I was very nervous because although we had both seen each others bodies and descriptions, we didn't see each others faces.  For many people on the down low, this can be a point of paranoia, nervous sweats, and nervous gas, if you so will because the idea of meeting someone who you may know or seen, is terrifying in all of itself.  We decided to pull off to a nearby dark empty lot and he stepped out of his Infiniti and walked over to the passenger side of my car and got in. 

After the initial look over, we talked for a minute then he leaned in and we kissed for a while.  Wow a good kisser.  To make a long story short we talked, met each other secretly and after hours, but it soon ended when he started having problems at home and his wife became a little suspicious as they usually do.  Well a few months later, after being on a site, I meet up with a dude who was nice looking muscular dreads, and he was Greek as well.  Well come to find out after I accepted "Dreads" facebook friend request, that after looking at his photo album, he and infiniti were posed together in a picture, multiple pictures to be exact..  I was like wow!  But wait the plot thickens, in October of this year, I was invited to come do a presentation on behalf my company by a friend, who my company had did work for in the past,  and low and behold, while setting up the projector, I hear Mr. Infiniti's voice.  my friend was working for Mr. Inifiniti and I never knew his real name!! lol

It really is a small world.  I know there are countless number of people out there who can say, wow this is extremely deep.  But the down low lifestyle is filled with fake names, fake email addresses, and fake profiles on sex sites which i still don't get, and oh yeah lies.  I guess its the fate that we down low brothas get for living a lie, but I'm now realizing that we are all connected in some crazy sort of way.  I can remember being in a place and seeing people, that I thought had one life, or so they told me, and then it was completely different!!  At times, I feel utter shame for having slept with men, and then I see them in public and I try not to let my eyes or my face show, but I will be like dayum that nigga lied, he told me he was single, but i see him and he's got a ring on his finger and a wife on his arm. All the while, he's sleeping with a man behind her back....  I want to sometimes just give up and walk away from it all... but then there's something that just calls me back, maybe its the sex?  nah...not so much or maybe it's the fact of the thrill of the excitement.  I don't know but I"m anxiously waiting to see who or what will unfold before me. 

It truly is a small world after all!