The Propensity of a Potentially Potential Possibility

For the most part, I would say that I am a very pure individual.  Pure meaning in my motives, in my character, how I look at life and its situations. I know you're probably are saying yeah right, considering the life I live. It is easy for me because of my upbringing to be very surprised when things, people, situations happen in my life that are to my liking.  I was raised in a single parent home, so my mother wasn't really a pessimist in as much as she was a realist.  Rarely did she ever get the opportunity to sit and small the roses, and rarely did she ever see the potential that life had to offer.  So when I grew up and was able to go to college and live on my own, I somewhat vowed to myself that I would be an optimist instead of being a pessimist or a realist in her words.

However after a few of life's knocks and blows...(of which there are some blows I love ;-)), you kind of somehow revert to your upbringing.  I don't know if I'm the only person that can identify with that but no matter how far, how fast, or how long we run from our past; there's always some part of it that we carry with us into our present and our future.

One thing about this lifestyle, this journey, this struggle, is that whether you like it or not, you're always searching for something, someone to complete or fill some deep seeded void that is missing in your marriage. I can honestly say that I have come to grips with my reality.  This reality is the reason why i started this blog.  I had come to a crossroads in my life, and I needed a way to express myself... It doesn't matter how many men who sleep with men say, "I just like having sex with men, but I'm not gay, and I sure as hell ain't leaving my wife", they must really admit that there is something, a connection, that you feel or you get while you're in that moment.  And it doesn't matter how hot the dude is, or how muscular he is, or how he rocks your world, really its the connection, the commonality, the bond, the sense of being wanted, desired that you are really after. 

I must admit, and I think I've said it before, but I am a very passionate person.  So I know the reason why I don't get involved in having sex with a lot of dudes anymore is because as I get older, sex becomes more than just a bust and go.....  Hmmm so when recently I came in contact with passionately and pleasurably positively potential possibility, it really began to mess with me.  Not really sure if it was a good way or a bad way or a combination of both, but nonetheless, it messed with me.  



Dreamy Nigga lol...and no this is not him



I recently met this guy, who we'll call "Markham".  I honestly had no idea that we would ever meet or talk, I just watched and enjoyed who I was learning him to be from afar.  His life is not predictable and he is amazing.  Its really amazing to me how thoughts that cross your mind somehow find your way into your reality. We have very similar stories, never met in person, other than exchange of pictures, but he is a jewel, I really don't think he knows how wonderful he is, and how sexy, fine, and just good looking.  We exchanged pictures, and I was like DAMN!!!  I could never have someone like him...you know the kind of guy you would see in a magazine and only dream about???.  He and I share similar stories, similar tastes, and definitely similar desires.  Only problem we live 265 miles apart....Ugh....5 1/2 hours apart..  He is amazing, his voice is incredible (which is a major turn on), his eyes and lips, his swagga (which i know he has just from how he talks....lol), brotha got it going on.  He is everything, I could want or desire, he's brilliant, loving, he works hard to take care of business, caring, a good father, shit...he's making me step up my game in the dad area, he's confident...he's spiritual, and did I mention he's sexy??  So the pessimist in me, was very afraid when he asked me to send me a picture.  I never thought I was very photogenic, and I absolutely hate taking pictures, and I never ever send a picture.  But he SEEMS different, so  I sent him a picture and his response was Niiiiiiiccccceeee..lol in my mind I was like, he didn't like my pic.. but then he continued with our conversations, our texts, and now my face lights up when I see his number on my caller ID.  I couldn't imagine how anyone as attractive as he is could in the least bit think that I looked nice...

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, my great grandmother used to say, "people will come and go in your life, some people are reasonal and some are seasonal.  baby, find the reasonal people and hold on to them."  You don't have to allow any season to last in your life that you don't want.  But already, i want this season to never end.  I'm not saying that he's going to leave his wife and family to be with me, that would be naive and wishful thinking, but what I am saying is that I believe and feel that he is reasonal, and I hope that if something blossoms, if something comes out of it, or if we just happen to become great friends, I hope and pray that the season he has in my life will never end....  Keep your eyes and ears open....we're in for a long ride (no pun intended) lol  Because this is potentially going to be a pleasant provocation! this muthafucka make a nigga wanna move!!  but taking is slow and sure, cause my mind keeps playing tricks on me lol

I know this post is a bit confusing and scatter brained but in the short time I've met this person, he has blown my mind, sent my imagination to places it's never been before, and given me a reason to hope.  Hope in the fact that I can make it.  So I'm a little beside myself, because yeah I've met some great people but never felt such a connection as I have these last few moments...  So i hope that i can pull my mind and thoughts together.......

Let me know your thoughts.....