Beating Myself Up

Its true, i'm beating myself up.  Yesterday, I did a self evaluation, and an inventory of myself, my actions, and my priorities.  I didn't like what I saw....i literally faced myself, my recent actions, and how I placed expectations on things that could never meet me where I need to be.  Sometimes you need to look at yourself in the mirror and realize the person you are....that's what I did... I said, "You are such a damn fool!"

I've been beating myself up.  I recently and I mean recently, experienced something that I'm still trying to wrap my head around.  You know sometimes in life, you'll make decisions sometimes that are not necessarily the most well thought out decisions, but somehow you throw caution to the wind and live in the moment.  Well I did that and now, I'm kind of second guessing myself.  Did I make the wrong decision, did I move in haste, did I let my feelings and my emotions get the best of me?  All these questions running through my head, lol.... and then there's the disappointment, the knowing that its possible that you're feelin' someone that is not feeling you.... How could I have been so naive, so foolish in my pursuit for fulfillment?  You would think I've learned from my mistakes.

Being on the down low, your life is in a constant state of paradox.  What to do? What to say?  when to resist? and when to give in?  I have come to realize that

Have you ever been there?  Checking the phone to see if there's a text, waiting on the phone to ring, or an email...that never comes.  I realized that after beating myself up, i've literally locked myself into a mindset that no longer requires me to require people to meet me at my standards or level of expectation.  So i'm beating myself up. lol..

Feeling Some Kind of Way

Well it made it back from Chocolate City on Saturday afternoon.... Ummmm...yeah.....I ended up staying in my room for the most part, cause its really no fun being by yourself.  Thanks to those of you who sent suggestions on what to do... I even received a message from someone asking for a follow up on whether I got "lucky"..lol...Hopefully I will get the opportunity to go back when I have more time to see the area, and enjoy the nightlife.  Just feeling some kind of way.....

You know people often use the term, when they don't know what to think or how to describe a situation.  But you live, you love, and you learn.  I got home on Saturday afternoon, and my wife and kid were home waiting for me.  They were actually very happy to see me, and I just went to my room unpacked my bag, and settled in for the night.  I got several messages from "James" last night wondering where I've been, and what I've been up to..i told him i was feeling some kind of way....  we texted each other back and forth and then he said, he wanted to see me soon, he said It doesn't have to be about sex, he just wants to see me and make sure I'm okay.  Yeah that would be cool, just when I'm not feeling some kind of way.....

Chocolate City

Okay so i know its been a while since I've posted, but had a lot of shit going on.  I've really been laying low on the action but I have a feeling that something good may be coming down the pipe.....I'm in Chocolate City, yeah that's right.. I've been here for a week now and nothing has popped off yet, simply because this has been a business trip and been working.  Not to mention my colleague wants to hang out every single day.

Well it's the weekend, and I've never been to DC/MD/Va metro to hang out so i'm looking to have some fun!  Don't really know what I can get into but I'm sure it's going to be hot!  Last night a friend who lives in the area called me to tell me that there was a group of hotties getting together..  Hmmm  to go or not to go.... I'm now wishing I would have at least went.... sounded very intriguing.  From the looks of some of these brothas here, damn!!  I need to move. hahahah

I believe that I've going to have some fun....tonight...what shall i do?  where shall I go??  Please tell me that chocolate city  lives up to its name!

I'm here......I'll be back to let you know what happens.....

So It's been a minute... a few days...

Okay so it's been a minute, so happy new year muthafuckas!! lol so a lot of shit has been popping off since the holidays, thanksgiving, Christmas, and the new year are all a blur.  I've been wrestling with several things that I have going on in my life.  Its usually like this praying and wrestling, wrestling and praying!  Yeah I do pray, but seems as if God is not talking any calls right now.. lol...the angels say, "Oh he's in a meeting right now, can he call you back?" .....and yes I'm still waiting.

Not much has happened other than James who is really feeling me is turning up the heat on his pursuit.  I'm not sure whether I'm afraid to let myself throw caution to the wind, or that I have my eyes on other possibilities.  But we've been talking via text and he is always so understanding and cool, and genuinely shows his concern for me that he's thinking about me, and wants to see me be happy.  I wish I could tell of a hot steamy mind blowing sexual encounter that I've had but honestly, I've been laying low.  Taking this time of the year to think about what I can do to make my life, my business, and myself better.  I made up this year, I would have no drama!!

The holidays have been interesting, the usual typical fights and kicking me while I'm down! The holiday's usually turn my wife into princess layla, but after the tree comes down, and the last bottle of champagne is popped for the new year, Freddy Krueger seems to return.  Somehow I'm thinking this shit is for the birds.  In another post I'll explain how she always finds a way to cuss me out and twist the knife deeper.

I have a son who I know loves me but he's now entering the teenage years, and I'm so fearful that I didn't do everything right.  He treats me with respect, but I am struggling now because I want us to have a close bond and him to talk to me but I don't know how to get him to open up!  I am afraid that one day he'll be grown up and secretly resent me for something I did not do or say, like I sometimes resent my own father for not being there for me.

Well last week, I received a call from a blast from the past.  It really caught me off guard, but as I sort through this I will let you know......  ugh!!  choices, and decisions.....  look out because its the new year and I'm back!!

I Must Have Been Out of My Mind

Anyone that knows me knows that Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year and by far my favorite holiday.  Yet this Christmas, I don't know things were different.  I wasn't my usual jolly self, I didn't overexert myself with Christmas shopping nor did I spend a lot of money!  Yet it was very nice to see all of the eye candy that was in the malls, outlets and stores.  I was wondering, where did these fine ass brothas come from?  Do they actually live here!!??  hahaha.....yes I was looking on the sly..... For some reason though while shopping in the packed mall, a feeling of nervousness and paranoia came over me, a feeling that I might see someone I didn't want to see or know.  You know you get that feeling when you go somewhere, "i'm gonna see somebody I know."  Well I saw "Braxton," we nodded at each other as we passed on the escalators...then he smiled sneakily.  I remember that sneaky grin, which is what got me in trouble back in the day.  I went on to finish getting the little things i was going to buy but seeing him brought a flashback.... 

As I was doing my Christmas shopping I couldn't help but remember the fun time I had with "Braxton" in the mall. Even more crazy is that I saw him in the very same mall... This prompted me to think.  Today I thought about some of the crazy things that I've done in my life, and how I've taken risks just for a few moments of pleasure....LOL Thinking on it made me hard but it also said thank God i didn't get caught because I must have been out of my mind.  I have since slowed my roll and have not been too risque to say the least.  I'd rather be a freak inside than rather in the public...

But a few years ago, I met this Tall (6'3") lightskinned guy...sn: tall & lightskinned, are my weaknesses.  This guy happened to be a Academic Dean at a local university.  Well we had talked off and on via phone and chatted online. We decided to take the conversation offline and finally meet in person.

I just so happened to be at the mall getting a birthday gift that day, when I received a text asking "where r u?"  i replied and said @ the mall wassup?  he replied "i'm two minutes from the mall, you gonna stay there and lemme see u?"  i replied "sure, but gotta be quick, got shyt 2 do"

Five minutes later we were meeting in front of Lord & Taylor, and he was smiling from ear to ear.  I said what the fuck is so funny...  Braxton said well i'm just surprised you let me see you.  He did a once over and took a sneak peak at my ass and whispered, "damn, u got a phatty...lemme get some of that before you go to your party."  I laughed and said, "Dude u crazy, i'm nowhere near my house or yours."  He then said let's go into a dressing room or a bathroom..."Dude even more crazy, I'm not getting arrested either."  But the temptation was strong and my dick was getting hard thinking about freaking with this fine ass nigga in the mall, and not getting caught.

Braxton coerced me and we ended up headed to one of the department stores bathroom.   He went in first and I followed about 3 minutes later.  Fortunately it was a bathroom with lots of stalls and he opted for the very last one, you know the handicap stall.  Once i got in the stall, he pulled out his dick and I started sucking... he was moaning and sighing like the head was out of this world.. I kept pinching him  and telling him to be quiet.  A few patrons came in the bathroom, pissed, and left and in between people coming in, we stopped  and quietly kissed while he groped my ass and balls.  I started giving him head again like the shit was going out of style...Braxton started to squirt and I quietly moved so he could shoot in the toilet, and so he wouldn't get any cum on my clothes LOL

We kissed a few times after and we fixed our clothes and then left. I enjoyed so much the freaky side that he brought out of me, but don't think I would chance it again..... I nervously walked out of the bathroom, thinking I must have been out of my mind......

Random Thoughts....

Thought 1 - I'll be glad when this christmas charade is over.... why is it that everytime a holiday comes around we are supposed to act like Dick and Jane, all on one accord and shit, and ignore the fact that we basically tolerated, cussed out, and fought each other the last 11 months of the year.

Thought 2 - How come every time December come around...we need to start making damn new years' resolutions about how we going to fix shit and stop hurting one another!?  my thought is you shut the hell up, leave me the hell alone!  and stop living life like its golden!  cause its really bronze......

Thought 3 - How is it that what you really want always seems so far away?  How is it that what you want never really wants you the way you want it??  How can you stop wanting something you know you really want but doesn't want you in the same manner you want it?

Thought 4 - How is it that what really wants you, you can't possibly want it the way it needs to be wanted because you're to focused on what really doesn't want you?

Thought 5 - Why is James so enamored with me?  Now he wants to buy me things and meet ALL of my needs.....  Doesn't he realize that i'm married right now?

Thought 6 - Why am I considering buying that mercedes? lol..aren't we in a recession?

Thought 7 - Why is it that when you make up your mind to focus, distractions come and demand your attention?

Thought 8 -  Where the FUCK is Markham??  disappeared on me.....i know how to take hints....

lol completely random i know...just in a weird place right now, drained physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially.....  What are some of your random thoughts??

Its been 3 Weeks....Since We've Had Sex

"Its been 3 weeks"…..she sighed. Yeah that’s the tired and lifeless expression my wife gave me. I hadn’t even realized that the time had elapsed that much. In my head, I was thinking, how does she remember exactly how long its been?  and shit I can barely remember what the fuck happened from week to week.  I mean I'm not trying to be insensitive or not caring but shit...

Well my wife has started talking about the sex again or the lack thereof. See I’m married to a spiritual woman, who comes from a long lineage of pastor’s, clergymen, clergywomen, evangelists, and prophets (or profits if you so choose).  But through all of our ups and downs she still stays committed to trying to repair and fix the marriage.  She wants to know why i go to sleep each night without fucking her, am i no longer attracted to her, a man my age usually has a high sex drive, and the list goes on....No matter how many times I've said I was divorcing her, leaving, never coming back, how much we said we hated each other.  Even when it's time to put the petal to the metal she somehow finagles her way back to keep me locked into the marriage.  She believes in death to us part and marriage is honorable in all.  The sad part is sometimes she can make me so angry that I feel like part of me has died.  You see sometimes when you're on the down low you have to numb yourself to certain things or else you risk losing everything.  Its a give and take and somehow the women or wife in my case holds all the wild cards...

Some would say, well you're not locked in. .... be a man and if you want out then leave.  That's easier said than done.  I've always wrestled with this thing called fear of abandonment.  Not so much anymore of people leaving me, because I really love to be alone and not bothered!!  Shit a brother loves some me time... anyway but I am a loyalist, which I think sometimes works to my disadvantage.  When I connect to someone I'm their friend to the end, no matter how many times they hurt or do me wrong, I always somehow finding myself forgiving them and bringing them back close.  However, at this juncture in my life I have come to grips with understanding the fear of abandoning others who depend on me.  Whether its job, civic involvement, church, friends, kids, and even down to the marriage that I often loathe, there is a fear of leaving someone else with the responsibility that once belonged to me.  I mean I have stayed in jobs and churches out of the mere fact that I felt they needed me so I didn't leave even though I knew the expiration date for my time there had already long passed.

There have been times that we have fought and I have said some very mean things to my wife and she to me, but it never fails that when I man up and shock the fuck out of her..she wants to throw the pussy in my face as if that's going to make everything alright.  As a matter of fact that shit makes it worse, because it doesn't give me the climax I get when I'm with a man.  I mean I have had phone sex with guys that have made me bust harder than I have while fucking my wife.  When we first got married, it was never this bad. We fucked all the time!  But something has happened... I'm not as naive and young as I was then, I was able to ignore my feelings.

But my wife says, it's been 3 weeks since we've had sex.  Don't you want this pussy?  I absolutely hate to see her beg pitifully as if I'm this monster withholding the damn pipe from her.  I will say it is utterly amazing that I can still fuck her and after its over I'm thinking about another dude.  What the fuck is wrong with me.  Don't get it twisted I still love pussy and how it feels sliding up and down on my pipe, but it's just that sex. Hell I remember one time we had a huge blow out fight and she told me to leave.  Happy, I started packing my things, but when she realized what I was doing she came over and put her pussy right in my mouth.  I ate that shit for points... haha 

But when I'm with a man, somehow, the pleasure takes me to a place to where I didn't know I could achieve.  Plain and simple brothas bring out da freak in me.

Reluctantly we fucked, i busted she squirted.  I figure that will at least quiet her for a while, until she decides that its been another few weeks again.  And then the cycle will begin again.