Chronicles of A Down Low Brotha

Caught Between Two Worlds

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Emotional Roller Coaster

Well I'm back again with some interesting news and a need for some therapy.... Usually I try to blog to discuss my adventures, my pain, and the experience that I encounter while on this journey.  Well it's happened again.  I met this dude that now has caused me to be on an emotional roller coaster...  In the words of Vivian Green the lyrics explain it all:

Last night I cried, tossed and turned, woke up with dry eyes
My mind was racing, feet were pacing
Lord help me please tell me what I have gotten into.
Ran my 3 miles to clear my mind, it always turns me out
Its my therapy when I'm losing it which is usually
I'm on a emotional roller coaster
Loving you ain't nothing healthy
Loving you was never good to me
But I can't get off

So in a previous post, I told you that a guy named Bernard, who I had an encounter with had contacted me a few weeks ago.  Well he was hoping that we would have a 3some with his friend, "Mario" but the 3some never happened.  However, in the exchange of conversation he sent my number to his friend Mario and he and I began texting and talking.  One thing lead to another and before I knew it we had talked so much that I had over 2000 text messages in my phone between he and I.  We even had exchanged pictures via text... Ahem!!  We had connected on a spiritual, emotional, and intellectual level that I hadn't connected with a guy like this in a very very long time.  It was nice and refreshing to say the least. 
Mario is an attractive, 30 something, African American that is about 6'3", bald head (my weakness) and has an incredible smile and eyes, and extremely kind hearted!  His wife is a doctor, and he is a professor, and father or a beautiful 10 month old daughter.  He is amazing, he is caring, he makes me laugh, and he is always concerned about my feelings and the funny thing is we've only known each other really going on a little over a month now.  Well last Friday he invited me over to his home on his day off, and his wife was had been out of town for 2 weeks, so he said, "the coast is clear, i want to see you in person, i want to kiss you, i want to wrap my arms around you."  So i drove an hour and a half to meet him at his home.  When I pulled up the guard at the gate of the subdivision, stopped me and asked me who was I coming to visit... I told him and he waved me through.  As I pulled up to his address, I was blown away at the vastness of the home that I kept driving by a couple of times.  Apparently, he had been standing in the window waiting for me to pull up, because he called me and said, "I see you drove by, turn around and pull up to the driveway and I'll open the gate."  So I did.

I walked in and he was even more handsome, even more muscular, and even more attractive than his pictures.  He smile and as soon as he closed the door, he hugged me, and said, "i'm glad to finally meet you."  He embraced me for a while, and as he embraced me I could smell his cologne.  He then escorted me into his family room, where he was watching ESPN, catching up on the highlights of all the games he missed.  He offered me something to drink, which I declined.  I was already nervous.... I uttered "nice place you got here" and he responded, "oh this is nothing."  you should have seen our home in Miami.  I quietly nodded and said well excuse me Mr. Big Time.  we both laughed and smiled. 

I sat on a couch adjacent to the chair he was sitting in, but as he kept staring at me, I saw his bulge though his gym shorts standing up.  He then stood up and walked over to me and started to kiss me.  Kissing has always been my number one turn on.  I mean I can kiss so passionately and receive more satisfaction from that then actually fucking...i know weird isn't it.   Well one thing led to another and 3 hours later, we were laying beside each other, staring. I mean he ate my ass so many times that I lost count....LOL  Mario is the kind of lover that anyone would die for.  He is passionate and always makes sure during sex that I was being pleased.I was really feeling this dude, and not just from the sex, but from the conversations we had.  He even told me he thinks there was mutual attraction and affection there and we could evolve into being life long friends.

After that, we texted and texted each other and he asked me to come back down to have lunch with him, but the tone and nature of his texts had somewhat changed..  No more references to the deep sexual attraction that we both had, or how cute he thought I was.  The conversation seemed to have changed. ....Well on Monday, I went down again to have lunch with him, and he told me a few days beforehand that he was off on Monday, so maybe we could meet again for another hot encounter.  But when Monday came, he said he had to go into the office and was not off, and that the lunch would have to be rushed.  Cool no problem, I will just plan to do some other things and see a few friends while I'm in the area. 

Lunch was awkward, and it was painful... Mario often drifted off somewhere else, and I had to make an exhaustive effort to continue to keep to the conversation going.  He finally said, "I think we should be just friends."  You are such a good person, that I don't want either of us to get hurt.  I value your friendship more than I do your body, so I think we should slow down."  INTERPRETATION:  I just wanted a one time no strings attached encounter, and I'm a fucking low life who was too scared to say that.

Hence the emotional roller coaster... I had genuinely opened up my heart to this guy thinking that he was genuinely feeling this new friendship but i was completely naive.  I've been here before, and I realize that when you're in the down low lifestyle, it is hard to establish a true solid connection with guys because of fear, or whatever.  Most times guys who are married or living down low, will use whatever they can to get the sex and move on.  Well I'm getting off of the emotional roller coaster....I think I've lived long enough, learned enough, and loved enough to know when someone is genuinely into me and when they are just looking to bust a nut. 

I received a text from him today saying "What's up sexy??  I'm coming to your city for a few days on business.  I guess we can continue part 2"

My response:  "Uh... no thanks, I'm reconsidering my priorities in life, and you didn't make the cut.  I realize I was just a convenient sex hookup, which is cool, just would have appreciated knowing that."

His response:  "Well I started acting differently because I like you and didn't want you to get hurt.  i was falling in love with the thought of us" (more bullshit, of course)

My response:  "thanks man, but i think I'd rather just move on.  Wish you the best."

Exactly what I'm talking about Emotional Roller coaster... well thanks for the ride (no pun intended) but I'm getting off (again no pun intended).  I realize now that I have some things related to the rejection issues I've faced when growing up, and so instead of going on an emotional ride.  I'd much rather be in control of the twists and turns that I go on.


  1. Caesar's Rain:

    I am so proud of you I am grinning ear to ear as I write this. You handled Mario correctly. You may get down with men but you ARE NOBODY'S BITCH.

    As you know from my blog I recently transitioned from married life to the gay world. The gay/DL world is not meant for the weak. You will meet a lot of great, sincere, intelligent men. But you will come across a bunch of assholes too.

    I will bet you $20 Mario had another hookup on Monday and threw you to the curb to take that one on. That's just how us men do! Don't take it personally and don't let another person obligate your time or attention who is not worth it. I had to find out that earlier this year but it was a lesson well worth it and I thank God I went through it.

    Take care, continue to be strong. And I will continue to read your thoughtful, insightful writings!


    P.S. You could have picked another name for your blog! It's too close to mine LOL!

  2. lol Immanuel... thank you for reading and I am currently contemplating changing the name, cause I realize its very close. Give me some suggestions..

  3. The Down-Low Dilemma: The Tales of a Black Man Caught Between the Worlds of Marriage and the Secretive Realm of the Down-Low Gay Male


    The Down-Low Paradox:...

    Just suggestions...and if you like the current name keep it!

    Also, email me at if you ever want to arrange a telephone convo.

    Take care

  4. He's married, point blank. Making a "relationship" out of that situation would not be possible anyway. Relationships aren't really possible if you're too busy "running and hiding" feel me? Glad you left it alone.

  5. Dear Anonymous,
    I definitely understand... all three of us are married, honestly was looking for a one on one thing with a guy. Thought he would be good to share and connect with on a regular basis.

  6. Dayum! This is exactly what I've been experiencing for the past month. Although he isn't married he does want to settle down with a woman in the future but wants a relationship with me now. He's appears to have everything that I've prayed for in a guy but the reality is I'm not a woman, never will be and can't compete with one. Still doesn't make it any easier to let go but I have to. I refuse to settle.

    1. Same story here except I'm attempting to give this guy a chance....he seems to say he would consider being with a guy for the rest of his life IF said guy and him would've been dating & built a relationship for years. I also attempted to educate him...whether you chose to be with a man or woman, I would think it is best to develop a deep connection with that person even before considering them to be worthy to call yours & vice-versa. Regardless if we go any further than just sex-partners, I enjoy what we share and so does he.

  7. So what do you think about a single guy, basically the same situation yet he says THE SAME DAMN NEAR SENTENCE about hurting me and the difference is we want two different things...he sees his future with a wife & kids and I want a long-term relationship yet we both know what "this" is. When I reassured him of us just being sex partners for the most part and building a friendship, plus feeling that his fear is clouding our potential, he agrees and states that "maybe I was just getting too attached". Although I feel a connection building, I still do not want to move forward with him as of yet. So now we continue to "do us". Does this seem like the same old bullshyt or a down-low guy attempting to open up?