Three's A Crowd

Well here I am blogging again about the Mario...Bernard saga.

Finally the truth comes out...  Turns out Mario, although he was married with a new daughter, and his friend Bernard who is married as well, who I talked about in an earlier post, he had deep feelings for Bernard.

The problem is today I took the day for myself, to catch up on some work. Lately, I’ve noticed that I have not been motivated to do much as far as my work is concerned. I’ve had several projects and things that I’ve been procrastinating on so I decided after the whirlwind that I had been through that I would try to get my head in the game.


Well last night I received a torrid text from Mario, who tells me that the reason why he treated me weirdly and backed off, was that he didn’t want me to get hurt. And he goes on to say he wishes Bernard could have told me that from the beginning. That his heart was with Bernard, and he knew he was in love with Bernard but just was expecting He and I to be a no strings hook up from time to time.

Mario’s: “hell you’re more attractive, more sexier, and better looking than Bernard.” Next text “the time we had was incredible, but I knew who I wanted to be with that’s Bernard and I do love him to the core! So tht why I realized I can’t be YOURS.”

My response: “I never claimed to want you to be mine in the first place, but I realize, all the bullshit you were talking was just your dick talking…. As I told you before, it would be nice to have someone I could build a relationship with that I can also kick it with on that level, but I’m not desperate.”

Mario: “You are a great guy and you deserve better if not more. This I can say I’m always here if you ever need to talk or a shoulder to cry on. You are my boi.”

Then more Bullshit!

Mario: “I do have deep feelings for Bernard. He’s a great guy and so are you! I just don’t like playing games so tht why I was protecting u as well protecting myself and Bernard. I do believe that we all are meant to be friends and if we have a 3 sum cool…. I hope you are okay? U okay? Are you okay with a 3sum? I don’t think I can handle your sexiness w/ you one on one anymore and NO its not you! Ok?

My response: As I told you already, I’m not desperate, I’m not trying to marry yo ass, and I don’t give a damn. You’re the one who took it there and now trying to turn it around on me. So no I’m not interested in having a 3sum with u. Apparently, 3’s a crowd….later dude!”

That was how our conversation ended via text. He called me a few hours later while I was working. I hesitantly answered and he acted as if nothing had happened, nothing transpired, and no words were exchanged. One thing that I have discovered quite frequently, is that many men on the down low, crave affection, crave to be the with the one that they envision as their “dream” but when the opportunity comes they fail to realize that when sex is involved, so are your feelings and emotions.

I can’t begin to count the many times I’ve gotten with a dude that seemed perfect, just for him to later spaz out on me, mysteriously disappear, or come up with a ton of excuses as to why they can’t “hook-up” anymore. I really am beginning to believe that many men who are on the down-low should come to the realization of who they are and what they are dealing with. Many times, a quick escape from reality in the form of a sex-charged rendezvous will not solve the deep seeded issues that come with the down low lifestyle. I am not one to become so in love or attached, as soon as I meet someone who is attractive and can put it down in the bed. I come to understand that down low relationships don’t vary too much differently than regular relationships with a spouse. Open and honest communication is key, and may brothas don’t do that because 3s a crowd. The truth of the matter is that it is quite difficult to effectively manage both sides of the equation. One is going to go lacking. Down low brothas please realize that 3 is a crowd and everyone involved has feelings so be careful how you treat your other brothers that are trying to handle their business.

Crowded out….

Emotional Roller Coaster

Well I'm back again with some interesting news and a need for some therapy.... Usually I try to blog to discuss my adventures, my pain, and the experience that I encounter while on this journey.  Well it's happened again.  I met this dude that now has caused me to be on an emotional roller coaster...  In the words of Vivian Green the lyrics explain it all:

Last night I cried, tossed and turned, woke up with dry eyes

My mind was racing, feet were pacing

Lord help me please tell me what I have gotten into.

Ran my 3 miles to clear my mind, it always turns me out

Its my therapy when I'm losing it which is usually

I'm on a emotional roller coaster

Loving you ain't nothing healthy

Loving you was never good to me

But I can't get off

So in a previous post, I told you that a guy named Bernard, who I had an encounter with had contacted me a few weeks ago.  Well he was hoping that we would have a 3some with his friend, "Mario" but the 3some never happened.  However, in the exchange of conversation he sent my number to his friend Mario and he and I began texting and talking.  One thing lead to another and before I knew it we had talked so much that I had over 2000 text messages in my phone between he and I.  We even had exchanged pictures via text... Ahem!!  We had connected on a spiritual, emotional, and intellectual level that I hadn't connected with a guy like this in a very very long time.  It was nice and refreshing to say the least. 

Mario is an attractive, 30 something, African American that is about 6'3", bald head (my weakness) and has an incredible smile and eyes, and extremely kind hearted!  His wife is a doctor, and he is a professor, and father or a beautiful 10 month old daughter.  He is amazing, he is caring, he makes me laugh, and he is always concerned about my feelings and the funny thing is we've only known each other really going on a little over a month now.  Well last Friday he invited me over to his home on his day off, and his wife was had been out of town for 2 weeks, so he said, "the coast is clear, i want to see you in person, i want to kiss you, i want to wrap my arms around you."  So i drove an hour and a half to meet him at his home.  When I pulled up the guard at the gate of the subdivision, stopped me and asked me who was I coming to visit... I told him and he waved me through.  As I pulled up to his address, I was blown away at the vastness of the home that I kept driving by a couple of times.  Apparently, he had been standing in the window waiting for me to pull up, because he called me and said, "I see you drove by, turn around and pull up to the driveway and I'll open the gate."  So I did.

I walked in and he was even more handsome, even more muscular, and even more attractive than his pictures.  He smile and as soon as he closed the door, he hugged me, and said, "i'm glad to finally meet you."  He embraced me for a while, and as he embraced me I could smell his cologne.  He then escorted me into his family room, where he was watching ESPN, catching up on the highlights of all the games he missed.  He offered me something to drink, which I declined.  I was already nervous.... I uttered "nice place you got here" and he responded, "oh this is nothing."  you should have seen our home in Miami.  I quietly nodded and said well excuse me Mr. Big Time.  we both laughed and smiled. 

I sat on a couch adjacent to the chair he was sitting in, but as he kept staring at me, I saw his bulge though his gym shorts standing up.  He then stood up and walked over to me and started to kiss me.  Kissing has always been my number one turn on.  I mean I can kiss so passionately and receive more satisfaction from that then actually fucking...i know weird isn't it.   Well one thing led to another and 3 hours later, we were laying beside each other, staring. I mean he ate my ass so many times that I lost count....LOL  Mario is the kind of lover that anyone would die for.  He is passionate and always makes sure during sex that I was being pleased.I was really feeling this dude, and not just from the sex, but from the conversations we had.  He even told me he thinks there was mutual attraction and affection there and we could evolve into being life long friends.

After that, we texted and texted each other and he asked me to come back down to have lunch with him, but the tone and nature of his texts had somewhat changed..  No more references to the deep sexual attraction that we both had, or how cute he thought I was.  The conversation seemed to have changed. ....Well on Monday, I went down again to have lunch with him, and he told me a few days beforehand that he was off on Monday, so maybe we could meet again for another hot encounter.  But when Monday came, he said he had to go into the office and was not off, and that the lunch would have to be rushed.  Cool no problem, I will just plan to do some other things and see a few friends while I'm in the area. 

Lunch was awkward, and it was painful... Mario often drifted off somewhere else, and I had to make an exhaustive effort to continue to keep to the conversation going.  He finally said, "I think we should be just friends."  You are such a good person, that I don't want either of us to get hurt.  I value your friendship more than I do your body, so I think we should slow down."  INTERPRETATION:  I just wanted a one time no strings attached encounter, and I'm a fucking low life who was too scared to say that.

Hence the emotional roller coaster... I had genuinely opened up my heart to this guy thinking that he was genuinely feeling this new friendship but i was completely naive.  I've been here before, and I realize that when you're in the down low lifestyle, it is hard to establish a true solid connection with guys because of fear, or whatever.  Most times guys who are married or living down low, will use whatever they can to get the sex and move on.  Well I'm getting off of the emotional roller coaster....I think I've lived long enough, learned enough, and loved enough to know when someone is genuinely into me and when they are just looking to bust a nut. 

I received a text from him today saying "What's up sexy??  I'm coming to your city for a few days on business.  I guess we can continue part 2"

My response:  "Uh... no thanks, I'm reconsidering my priorities in life, and you didn't make the cut.  I realize I was just a convenient sex hookup, which is cool, just would have appreciated knowing that."

His response:  "Well I started acting differently because I like you and didn't want you to get hurt.  i was falling in love with the thought of us" (more bullshit, of course)

My response:  "thanks man, but i think I'd rather just move on.  Wish you the best."

Exactly what I'm talking about Emotional Roller coaster... well thanks for the ride (no pun intended) but I'm getting off (again no pun intended).  I realize now that I have some things related to the rejection issues I've faced when growing up, and so instead of going on an emotional ride.  I'd much rather be in control of the twists and turns that I go on.

A Blast From the Past, part I

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