What Makes You Stay?

I'm interested to know what are some of the reasons that many men who are on the down low stay in their heterosexual relationships with their wives?

I am always intrigued by the macho image of men who sleep with men on the low, but are indeed never going to leave their wives or family.  What are some of the reasons you stay?  What do men do to keep themselves happy in their marriage? 

I have been trying to rationalize the pros and cons to the down low lifestyle and now, I'm in a place where I am completely tired of living the facade.

What are your thoughts?

Michael Baisden... Do you really understand the down-low?

Recently I was riding in the car listening to the Michael Baisden Show and he does a show every Monday entitled "Madd Issues Monday."  I never listened to Michael Baisden before, but recently started since the change in my children's school schedules, over the past year.  Well every monday, he talks about Sloppy Cheaters, and without fail you can always expect for some woman to call into the show to discuss how she caught her husband in the act.

This particular caller called in and told the story of how she came home early on Valentine's Day, and when she pulled up in the driveway she saw her husband's best friend's car there, which she didn't think anything of.... well I'm sure I don't need to explain how the story ends...but to make a long story short, she discovered her husband in the kitchen having sex with his best friend who apparently was wearing one of her wigs (don't ask me why).  You can actually catch the podcast at this link provided (http://www.michaelbaisden.com/features/podcenter/madd-issues-monday  go down to 8.9.10 Hour 2 "Caught in the act")  It never fails that the show always takes a down turn to discuss the down low phenomenon.

In recent years, a sub-culture within the homosexual lifestyle has garnered much media attention, and to say that this attention is unsavory is a severe understatement at best. This subset has become known as “The Downlow”. Now, if you have been slightly comatose for the past 10 years, “The Downlow” (or DL) is a term used for men (usually African-American) who secretly participate in homosexual activities, but still maintain a heterosexual lifestyle (i.e. being a womanizer, having a steady girlfriend, getting engaged to a woman, being married with children) and have no desire to come out of the closet. Many horror stories have come out of these types of situations, such as, women who return home early from work to find their man having intercourse with his “best friend” as discussed on the radio, wives who have had nervous breakdowns after finding out about their husband’s “other” life, and, worst case scenario, men who have infected their women with HIV as a result of having unprotected sex with their downlow partner(s). Episodes like these, and many others, have raised the ire of women across the country, thus heightening the awareness of the existence of DL men. However, is “The Downlow” as horrible as it is purported to be?  Even some men have become homophobic and lash out talking about how disgusting and low life down-low brothers are.

As an African-American man, I can attest to the fact that growing up as a Black male pre-millennium you are told that “fags” are bad people, stay away from them, and NEVER be like them. Much of this mindset comes from religious beliefs in the African-American community, as most people within the community observe either Christianity or Islam, two religions that totally condemn homosexuality. So, on the religious front, you are raised to believe that homosexuals go to Hell, then, on the personal front, you are taught that a gay man is less of a man. Though the former is an effective scare tactic that gives theological grounding to the anti-gay message within the community, it is the latter that drives the point home for the remainder of your childhood, for whenever you did something that was considered feminine (i.e. crying when your feelings got hurt, playing with the girls instead of the guys, playing with dolls) your manhood was challenged by the spouting of derogatory terms towards you, like “punk” or “faggot”. What made it worse is that, often times, these demeaning names came from peers or relatives, which will strike a nerve every time. As humans, we accept the reality that we are presented with, so if a person is brought up to think that homosexuality is a bad or evil thing, is there any wonder why certain men would want to conceal their true sexuality?
As time goes on, these men will begin to battle with the homosexual urges within them. For some, the battle is very short, as they tire of fighting what feels right to them and embrace their homosexuality (or bisexuality). For others, it is really heart wrenching internal warfare that they are forced to deal with. There are a lot of questions that go through a person’s mind when he is battling the possibility of being gay. Will I really go to Hell? Will my family stop loving me? Will my parents kick me out? Will my social life end if people start to find out? Can people tell that I like guys just by looking at me? Am I masculine enough? Will I catch AIDS? Am I a bad person? Do I have mental problems? Is there anyone who understands what I am going through? Will I be seen as just another flaming faggot? Sadly, sometimes it seems like a hopeless situation, causing suicide in some cases. Even worse, it is the negative reaction from family members who may have caught wind of the homosexual desires that fuels the suicide. Either way…it’s tragic.

Still, there is a population of men within the African-American community who decide that they can no longer deny their attraction to the same sex; however, they are unwilling to so sacrifice their heterosexual lifestyle, their public-image, nor their family relationships to satiate their sexual urges. So they continue to remain in the closet and keep their homosexual activities on the downlow. In their mind, these DL men are doing nothing wrong, for they know that their urges are far too strong for them to deny, but they will not jeopardize the image that they have fought so long and hard to maintain…that of a “real man”. They feel that since they are only having sex with these men, but still being a good boyfriend or husband to their woman, then they are good to go. As with this writer, who was extremely DL as a teenager in the mid-1990’s, it is usually in a person’s teen years that the decision to be DL is made. This makes perfect sense because it is during your teens where you start to figure who you are as person, but it is also during this time that that outside world’s perception of you means the most, making the decision to become DL a more viable one to an African-American male, for, as much as we would like to deny it and sweep it under the rug, African-Americans as a whole are far much harder on homosexuals than any other cultural group. It may sound like a sweeping generalization, but it is what it is.


Aside from the fact that African-Americans consider homosexuality a severe vice within their community (case in point, I actually witnessed a friend’s grandmother tell his friend that she would rather he be addicted to Crack instead of being gay), it is also the rest of the world’s shunning of homosexual men that still creates the need for these men to continue to be DL. Yes, great strides have been made in the arena of gay acceptance in The United States in the last 10-15 years however, homosexuals still cannot legally be married in all 50 states, the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy still exists, HIV is still directly linked to homosexuals in the public eye, and gay bashing is still as rampant as it ever was. These and a plethora of other factors do not help to promote the idea that it is okay to be gay in the USA, actually, it says the exact opposite. Also, since “The Downlow” has been brought into the mainstream, women have become much more aware of its existence to the point where many women now look for any and all signs of gayness in their men. This is a really bad trend for two reasons: 1) it causes paranoia among women….paranoia = fear….fear transforms into hate….hate from women toward gay men will deal a serious blow to the acceptance of homosexuality in America, 2) with women now probing potential mates for signs of homosexuality, it will only cause these DL men to cover their tracks even better, making it all just a vicious cycle.

I do not want to be misinterpreted, for this post is not a defense of “The Downlow”.Still, a good argument can be made for the psychological trauma of DL men because they have been raised their entire lives to believe that what they feel for the same sex is wrong. How could it not be traumatizing to have it drilled into your head that you SHOULD NOT be who you really are? Obviously, such a situation has to have severe psychological ramifications if we are now seeing numbers of DL men continue to rise. Of course, situations where DL men have given HIV to their spouses or girlfriends is a sad situation indeed, but straight men have been giving this virus (and others) to their women for quite some time now from affairs with other women, so why is it worse when a DL man does it? Many women will say that the deception makes it worse, but if society hadn’t forced these men into to closet, then “The Downlow” would not even be an issue. Perhaps if parents (especially mothers) and the African-American community as a whole would stop raising our children with such a fervent anti-gay message, then perhaps women would have less to worry about when it comes to choosing a mate. Just a little food for thought......

Three's A Crowd

Well here I am blogging again about the Mario...Bernard saga.

Finally the truth comes out...  Turns out Mario, although he was married with a new daughter, and his friend Bernard who is married as well, who I talked about in an earlier post, he had deep feelings for Bernard.

The problem is today I took the day for myself, to catch up on some work. Lately, I’ve noticed that I have not been motivated to do much as far as my work is concerned. I’ve had several projects and things that I’ve been procrastinating on so I decided after the whirlwind that I had been through that I would try to get my head in the game.


Well last night I received a torrid text from Mario, who tells me that the reason why he treated me weirdly and backed off, was that he didn’t want me to get hurt. And he goes on to say he wishes Bernard could have told me that from the beginning. That his heart was with Bernard, and he knew he was in love with Bernard but just was expecting He and I to be a no strings hook up from time to time.

Mario’s: “hell you’re more attractive, more sexier, and better looking than Bernard.” Next text “the time we had was incredible, but I knew who I wanted to be with that’s Bernard and I do love him to the core! So tht why I realized I can’t be YOURS.”

My response: “I never claimed to want you to be mine in the first place, but I realize, all the bullshit you were talking was just your dick talking…. As I told you before, it would be nice to have someone I could build a relationship with that I can also kick it with on that level, but I’m not desperate.”

Mario: “You are a great guy and you deserve better if not more. This I can say I’m always here if you ever need to talk or a shoulder to cry on. You are my boi.”

Then more Bullshit!

Mario: “I do have deep feelings for Bernard. He’s a great guy and so are you! I just don’t like playing games so tht why I was protecting u as well protecting myself and Bernard. I do believe that we all are meant to be friends and if we have a 3 sum cool…. I hope you are okay? U okay? Are you okay with a 3sum? I don’t think I can handle your sexiness w/ you one on one anymore and NO its not you! Ok?

My response: As I told you already, I’m not desperate, I’m not trying to marry yo ass, and I don’t give a damn. You’re the one who took it there and now trying to turn it around on me. So no I’m not interested in having a 3sum with u. Apparently, 3’s a crowd….later dude!”

That was how our conversation ended via text. He called me a few hours later while I was working. I hesitantly answered and he acted as if nothing had happened, nothing transpired, and no words were exchanged. One thing that I have discovered quite frequently, is that many men on the down low, crave affection, crave to be the with the one that they envision as their “dream” but when the opportunity comes they fail to realize that when sex is involved, so are your feelings and emotions.

I can’t begin to count the many times I’ve gotten with a dude that seemed perfect, just for him to later spaz out on me, mysteriously disappear, or come up with a ton of excuses as to why they can’t “hook-up” anymore. I really am beginning to believe that many men who are on the down-low should come to the realization of who they are and what they are dealing with. Many times, a quick escape from reality in the form of a sex-charged rendezvous will not solve the deep seeded issues that come with the down low lifestyle. I am not one to become so in love or attached, as soon as I meet someone who is attractive and can put it down in the bed. I come to understand that down low relationships don’t vary too much differently than regular relationships with a spouse. Open and honest communication is key, and may brothas don’t do that because 3s a crowd. The truth of the matter is that it is quite difficult to effectively manage both sides of the equation. One is going to go lacking. Down low brothas please realize that 3 is a crowd and everyone involved has feelings so be careful how you treat your other brothers that are trying to handle their business.

Crowded out….

Emotional Roller Coaster

Well I'm back again with some interesting news and a need for some therapy.... Usually I try to blog to discuss my adventures, my pain, and the experience that I encounter while on this journey.  Well it's happened again.  I met this dude that now has caused me to be on an emotional roller coaster...  In the words of Vivian Green the lyrics explain it all:

Last night I cried, tossed and turned, woke up with dry eyes

My mind was racing, feet were pacing

Lord help me please tell me what I have gotten into.

Ran my 3 miles to clear my mind, it always turns me out

Its my therapy when I'm losing it which is usually

I'm on a emotional roller coaster

Loving you ain't nothing healthy

Loving you was never good to me

But I can't get off

So in a previous post, I told you that a guy named Bernard, who I had an encounter with had contacted me a few weeks ago.  Well he was hoping that we would have a 3some with his friend, "Mario" but the 3some never happened.  However, in the exchange of conversation he sent my number to his friend Mario and he and I began texting and talking.  One thing lead to another and before I knew it we had talked so much that I had over 2000 text messages in my phone between he and I.  We even had exchanged pictures via text... Ahem!!  We had connected on a spiritual, emotional, and intellectual level that I hadn't connected with a guy like this in a very very long time.  It was nice and refreshing to say the least. 

Mario is an attractive, 30 something, African American that is about 6'3", bald head (my weakness) and has an incredible smile and eyes, and extremely kind hearted!  His wife is a doctor, and he is a professor, and father or a beautiful 10 month old daughter.  He is amazing, he is caring, he makes me laugh, and he is always concerned about my feelings and the funny thing is we've only known each other really going on a little over a month now.  Well last Friday he invited me over to his home on his day off, and his wife was had been out of town for 2 weeks, so he said, "the coast is clear, i want to see you in person, i want to kiss you, i want to wrap my arms around you."  So i drove an hour and a half to meet him at his home.  When I pulled up the guard at the gate of the subdivision, stopped me and asked me who was I coming to visit... I told him and he waved me through.  As I pulled up to his address, I was blown away at the vastness of the home that I kept driving by a couple of times.  Apparently, he had been standing in the window waiting for me to pull up, because he called me and said, "I see you drove by, turn around and pull up to the driveway and I'll open the gate."  So I did.

I walked in and he was even more handsome, even more muscular, and even more attractive than his pictures.  He smile and as soon as he closed the door, he hugged me, and said, "i'm glad to finally meet you."  He embraced me for a while, and as he embraced me I could smell his cologne.  He then escorted me into his family room, where he was watching ESPN, catching up on the highlights of all the games he missed.  He offered me something to drink, which I declined.  I was already nervous.... I uttered "nice place you got here" and he responded, "oh this is nothing."  you should have seen our home in Miami.  I quietly nodded and said well excuse me Mr. Big Time.  we both laughed and smiled. 

I sat on a couch adjacent to the chair he was sitting in, but as he kept staring at me, I saw his bulge though his gym shorts standing up.  He then stood up and walked over to me and started to kiss me.  Kissing has always been my number one turn on.  I mean I can kiss so passionately and receive more satisfaction from that then actually fucking...i know weird isn't it.   Well one thing led to another and 3 hours later, we were laying beside each other, staring. I mean he ate my ass so many times that I lost count....LOL  Mario is the kind of lover that anyone would die for.  He is passionate and always makes sure during sex that I was being pleased.I was really feeling this dude, and not just from the sex, but from the conversations we had.  He even told me he thinks there was mutual attraction and affection there and we could evolve into being life long friends.

After that, we texted and texted each other and he asked me to come back down to have lunch with him, but the tone and nature of his texts had somewhat changed..  No more references to the deep sexual attraction that we both had, or how cute he thought I was.  The conversation seemed to have changed. ....Well on Monday, I went down again to have lunch with him, and he told me a few days beforehand that he was off on Monday, so maybe we could meet again for another hot encounter.  But when Monday came, he said he had to go into the office and was not off, and that the lunch would have to be rushed.  Cool no problem, I will just plan to do some other things and see a few friends while I'm in the area. 

Lunch was awkward, and it was painful... Mario often drifted off somewhere else, and I had to make an exhaustive effort to continue to keep to the conversation going.  He finally said, "I think we should be just friends."  You are such a good person, that I don't want either of us to get hurt.  I value your friendship more than I do your body, so I think we should slow down."  INTERPRETATION:  I just wanted a one time no strings attached encounter, and I'm a fucking low life who was too scared to say that.

Hence the emotional roller coaster... I had genuinely opened up my heart to this guy thinking that he was genuinely feeling this new friendship but i was completely naive.  I've been here before, and I realize that when you're in the down low lifestyle, it is hard to establish a true solid connection with guys because of fear, or whatever.  Most times guys who are married or living down low, will use whatever they can to get the sex and move on.  Well I'm getting off of the emotional roller coaster....I think I've lived long enough, learned enough, and loved enough to know when someone is genuinely into me and when they are just looking to bust a nut. 

I received a text from him today saying "What's up sexy??  I'm coming to your city for a few days on business.  I guess we can continue part 2"

My response:  "Uh... no thanks, I'm reconsidering my priorities in life, and you didn't make the cut.  I realize I was just a convenient sex hookup, which is cool, just would have appreciated knowing that."

His response:  "Well I started acting differently because I like you and didn't want you to get hurt.  i was falling in love with the thought of us" (more bullshit, of course)

My response:  "thanks man, but i think I'd rather just move on.  Wish you the best."

Exactly what I'm talking about Emotional Roller coaster... well thanks for the ride (no pun intended) but I'm getting off (again no pun intended).  I realize now that I have some things related to the rejection issues I've faced when growing up, and so instead of going on an emotional ride.  I'd much rather be in control of the twists and turns that I go on.

Gospel Music??

The summer months are often know generally as the months when not only does the temperature rise but also the temperatures of people's passions and libido.  I had the opportunitiy to travel this week out of town to a Convention where there were the delegates and convention attendees were mostly African-American religious people.  Nevertheless, it was more of a glorified church convention, where many of the guys were flamboyant and extremely effeminate to the point that many of the women, were blatantly saying, "This is a shame!" Now I don't have anything against anyone's preference but I do not agree with you trying to push your preferences on other people and get made when the one you're pursuing isn't interested.  (yet I digress) I happened to also be in Raleigh, NC On business and Not too mention before I flew out of Raleigh, the Omega Psi Phi International Conclave was going on.  We'll talk about greeks in a later post..

The one thing that both of these events had in common is that they were dominated by african american men, with a good portion of these men in attendance are on the down low and specifically at the conference to hook up with other dudes.  It is as if the benefits and perks to being at the convention was the many men you could look at and say how fine they are or who you could possibly hook up with via craigslist, adam, or the usual stare and make conversation.  None of which I think I'm interested in.

The experience i Had just today, was a bit overwhelming.  While I don't mind the attention, I must admit it was a bit uncomfortable, to see guys blatantly gawking and many of them flamboyantly.  As my party and I made our way into the convention center, heads and eyes began to turn as if to say "fresh meat."  I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life but something was different, it wasn't subtle admiration it was blatant, obvious, and open.  An unsettled feeling came upon me and I immediately wanted to grab my registration materials and run for the door.

I have had my share of church conferences, such as megafest, manPower, and the like, but this was the first time I had ever been to this gospel music conference which had an international appeal.  Something that I observed was the number of clearly gay or down low men, who had no problem in looking, gawking, or saying wassup as a man that attracted them walked by.

It goes without saying that the Black church has played a major role in shaping who we are as a community, through slavery, Jim Crow and the injustices we face in the 21st century, our relationship with God and the church has been paramount. I think the same thing can be said for gospel music. I can remember the first time I felt a connection with God, it was me singing in the church choir and leading various songs, including a Clark Sisters rendition of Is My Living In Vain. There was something about gospel music that caught my attention and made a relationship with God seem accessible even at my young age.  I remember as a youngster being very gifted to sing.  I would be frequently called upon even through my teens to do sermonic selections, solos, or to lead devotional service.  But internally i was struggling.  As i grew and went to college I joined the college gospel choir, and eventually in my junior year, decided to leave something I loved because of the stigma associated with guys who were in the "choir"

I would later realize that gospel music was the one aspect of the Black church where I was free to praise God openly and honestly without experiencing the condemnation of the "word". As I am now coming to embrace and understand this secret lifestyle and the backlash from the church for identifying openly as such, I can't help but notice all of the gay men and women who were at the forefront of the gospel music industry. We've all seen them in church, on tv, we own their cd's, everyone whispers about them, they're flamboyant, attractive, talented, anointed and unmarried.

Praise and worship would not be the same if gay brotha or sister so and so was not leading the choir and bringing souls to Christ. The music in a Black church can ruin the worship experience if the choir is not on point and whoever wants to argue with that can do so all day long but that's just a fact.

We've always been apart of the church, we sit and listen to ministers damn our souls to hell and preach conversion through prayer Sunday after Sunday in silence. Meanwhile, our self -esteem plummets and we allow man to convince us that we won't have access to the kingdomn of God because of who we are. I'm personally sick of this lie and I'm sick of all of the men who "AMEN" this religious dogma and then retire home to feel the touch of their boyfriend.

How many gospel artists do you know that fall into this category? Probably too many too count. But of course no one in the church or the gospel music industry will have a problem with your homosexuality as long as you don't talk about it.

Translation: We'll let you sing in the choir,even let you hold the title of minister of music, buy your cd's, and enjoy the presence of God as a result of your gift, but the moment you admit you're a homosexual you might as well be Lucifer himself.  I know of a young man who is extremely gifted but struggles with homosexuality, and the reason why i say struggles is because his pastor preaches so strongly against it.  He had even been silenced in the church for a brief period, after he was caught in a homosexual indiscretion with one of the lead elder's sons.  I sometimes see the pain in his eyes as he leads praise and worship, but he genuinely loves God but somehow he is limited because of his struggle.

I'm not calling for every closeted gay man in gospel music to come out, I understand that they are at risk of losing their fan base and their livelihood. But I am challenging them to be sensitive to the fight for tolerance, and acceptance.

A Blast From the Past, part I

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Silent Frustrations

Being caught between two worlds is often a paradox that many men who are on the down-low have to wrestle and many times come to grips with.  I've often wondered if I am the only one that at one moment, when I see a fine nigga I don't give a damn about my relationships, or marriage and just want to (In the words of Missy Elliott) freak on!?  Then on the other hand, there are times when I face the struggles in my marriage and say, could I really live without the benefits of being married?  Certainly, God is not pleased, and I will be eternally damned to hell?  Will I miss having a beautiful woman on my arm, the many family vacations, what will become of the numerous home videos and photos that were taken in exotic destinations, graduations, and family celebrations.  This lifestyle is juxtaposed by society's definition of normalcy.

Well, in thinking of this I began to ponder the many years that I've been silent about the secret and interesting part of my life.  I trusted no one and was always afraid to share for fear of being exposed.  It is amazing that once you embark on a journey of self-discovery, you'll not only discover yourself but also the people around you.  I recently confided in a friend of mine that I was going through marital difficulties, and eventually the reason why...  A friend that I have know for well over 10 years, we went to undergrad together, were in many student organizations together, college roommates, and even attended the same churches together, hell he was the best man in my wedding.  Well this friend while I have known for sometime, about his attraction to the same sex, he didn't know about mine or so I thought.  We lived together for several years, but never spoke about the "elephant in the room."  No we were never attracted to one another sexually, just good friends, we were friends 'til the end.  That day, he shared with he always knew of my desire and attraction to men, but really thought I had mastered it and always wanted to know how I did it.  He stated how I had immersed myself in church and spirituality, and so he thought God had really given me victory.  He went on to tell me about his life and confided in me the many encounters that he's had with men in the church and even run-ins with well know bishops, pastors, etc.  The conversation literally blew my mind, but I was totally liberated in finding out that I was not the only person dealing with the issue.

After I walked down the aisle, it seemed that the many friendships and relationships that I had, although they were very few had dwindled, and I had slowly wrapped myself up in the cocoon called married.  Sometimes, if you're not careful, once you wrap yourself up in that cocoon its seasy to go through a transformation and metamorphosis that makes you lose who you are and your identity in your spouse.  This was me. My days, which turned into months, which turned into years was filled with sunday dinners at the in-laws, running errands, moving stuff for my inlaws, changing the occasional tire for my desperate sister-in-law, or find the random auto part or piece of furniture for my in-laws.  My life had been so consumed with them that I had slowly withdrawn from my friends, and slowly but surely my own family.  I would cut people off if my wife got mad at them and didn't want to deal with them anymore. Even if I didn't agree....I was Silent.  I was frustrated but silently.  I officially had been emasculated.....and when I get with men, was the only time I felt in charge. 

My frustrations always lead to seeking a sexual encounter, until one day after a birthday party for my wife's grandfather, I saw a picture of me at the table, not smiling, with a huge plate in front of me and large piece of cake.  I had slowly not only look for sex, but when sex was not an option.. I turned to food.  I slowly gained weight, and when I said I was fat, she would say, " when I met you, you were skinny, I like my men with some meat on them." I accepted, but the trajectory was I was frustrated.  Later that year for christmas, the family went to key west, and again was another picture of me, overweight and unhappy.  At this point, my wife turned to me and said are you depressed?  Laughing it off i said no, but deep down i realized, that living between two worlds was taking it's toll on me. 

I was reading an article about men who sleep with men, and the astounding conclusion was that many of the men suffer from depression, although the signs are unrecognizable.   Many men deal with silent frustrations, instead of dealing with their reality, they suffer in silence.  I can tell you of countless men that I've met in bookstores or on chat lines that are married or in a relationship, and are so unhappy but yet they suffer in silence due to church obligations, having kids, or a luxury car or home.  Now don't get me wrong, I believe that there are a few men, that love being married and love being with men every now and then.  But how many out there are silently frustrated.  The conversation that day, helped me to understand that I'm a complex, unique individual with fears, feelings, joys, and pain, but I don't have to be frustrated at least not silently.

I discovered life is too short to be worried about others opinions or judgements of me.  Today make it your day to break the silence!