So It's been a minute... a few days...

Okay so it's been a minute, so happy new year muthafuckas!! lol so a lot of shit has been popping off since the holidays, thanksgiving, Christmas, and the new year are all a blur.  I've been wrestling with several things that I have going on in my life.  Its usually like this praying and wrestling, wrestling and praying!  Yeah I do pray, but seems as if God is not talking any calls right now.. lol...the angels say, "Oh he's in a meeting right now, can he call you back?" .....and yes I'm still waiting.

Not much has happened other than James who is really feeling me is turning up the heat on his pursuit.  I'm not sure whether I'm afraid to let myself throw caution to the wind, or that I have my eyes on other possibilities.  But we've been talking via text and he is always so understanding and cool, and genuinely shows his concern for me that he's thinking about me, and wants to see me be happy.  I wish I could tell of a hot steamy mind blowing sexual encounter that I've had but honestly, I've been laying low.  Taking this time of the year to think about what I can do to make my life, my business, and myself better.  I made up this year, I would have no drama!!

The holidays have been interesting, the usual typical fights and kicking me while I'm down! The holiday's usually turn my wife into princess layla, but after the tree comes down, and the last bottle of champagne is popped for the new year, Freddy Krueger seems to return.  Somehow I'm thinking this shit is for the birds.  In another post I'll explain how she always finds a way to cuss me out and twist the knife deeper.

I have a son who I know loves me but he's now entering the teenage years, and I'm so fearful that I didn't do everything right.  He treats me with respect, but I am struggling now because I want us to have a close bond and him to talk to me but I don't know how to get him to open up!  I am afraid that one day he'll be grown up and secretly resent me for something I did not do or say, like I sometimes resent my own father for not being there for me.

Well last week, I received a call from a blast from the past.  It really caught me off guard, but as I sort through this I will let you know......  ugh!!  choices, and decisions.....  look out because its the new year and I'm back!!

Its been 3 Weeks....Since We've Had Sex

"Its been 3 weeks"…..she sighed. Yeah that’s the tired and lifeless expression my wife gave me. I hadn’t even realized that the time had elapsed that much. In my head, I was thinking, how does she remember exactly how long its been?  and shit I can barely remember what the fuck happened from week to week.  I mean I'm not trying to be insensitive or not caring but shit...

Well my wife has started talking about the sex again or the lack thereof. See I’m married to a spiritual woman, who comes from a long lineage of pastor’s, clergymen, clergywomen, evangelists, and prophets (or profits if you so choose).  But through all of our ups and downs she still stays committed to trying to repair and fix the marriage.  She wants to know why i go to sleep each night without fucking her, am i no longer attracted to her, a man my age usually has a high sex drive, and the list goes on....No matter how many times I've said I was divorcing her, leaving, never coming back, how much we said we hated each other.  Even when it's time to put the petal to the metal she somehow finagles her way back to keep me locked into the marriage.  She believes in death to us part and marriage is honorable in all.  The sad part is sometimes she can make me so angry that I feel like part of me has died.  You see sometimes when you're on the down low you have to numb yourself to certain things or else you risk losing everything.  Its a give and take and somehow the women or wife in my case holds all the wild cards...

Some would say, well you're not locked in. .... be a man and if you want out then leave.  That's easier said than done.  I've always wrestled with this thing called fear of abandonment.  Not so much anymore of people leaving me, because I really love to be alone and not bothered!!  Shit a brother loves some me time... anyway but I am a loyalist, which I think sometimes works to my disadvantage.  When I connect to someone I'm their friend to the end, no matter how many times they hurt or do me wrong, I always somehow finding myself forgiving them and bringing them back close.  However, at this juncture in my life I have come to grips with understanding the fear of abandoning others who depend on me.  Whether its job, civic involvement, church, friends, kids, and even down to the marriage that I often loathe, there is a fear of leaving someone else with the responsibility that once belonged to me.  I mean I have stayed in jobs and churches out of the mere fact that I felt they needed me so I didn't leave even though I knew the expiration date for my time there had already long passed.

There have been times that we have fought and I have said some very mean things to my wife and she to me, but it never fails that when I man up and shock the fuck out of her..she wants to throw the pussy in my face as if that's going to make everything alright.  As a matter of fact that shit makes it worse, because it doesn't give me the climax I get when I'm with a man.  I mean I have had phone sex with guys that have made me bust harder than I have while fucking my wife.  When we first got married, it was never this bad. We fucked all the time!  But something has happened... I'm not as naive and young as I was then, I was able to ignore my feelings.

But my wife says, it's been 3 weeks since we've had sex.  Don't you want this pussy?  I absolutely hate to see her beg pitifully as if I'm this monster withholding the damn pipe from her.  I will say it is utterly amazing that I can still fuck her and after its over I'm thinking about another dude.  What the fuck is wrong with me.  Don't get it twisted I still love pussy and how it feels sliding up and down on my pipe, but it's just that sex. Hell I remember one time we had a huge blow out fight and she told me to leave.  Happy, I started packing my things, but when she realized what I was doing she came over and put her pussy right in my mouth.  I ate that shit for points... haha 

But when I'm with a man, somehow, the pleasure takes me to a place to where I didn't know I could achieve.  Plain and simple brothas bring out da freak in me.

Reluctantly we fucked, i busted she squirted.  I figure that will at least quiet her for a while, until she decides that its been another few weeks again.  And then the cycle will begin again.

It's been a While...

It's been a while since I have been able to focus on writing blog.  Work responsibilities, family, and my child's extracurricular activities have me running non-stop.

But I'm back, with more details of the torrid affair between what's accepted and what's completely a dark underground of secret love, trials, and steamy sexual encounters.

Get ready for more insightful thoughts into the world we know as the down low.  It's a dilemma, and the more I live the more that I'm discovering that I'm not in this struggle alone.

What Makes You Stay?

I'm interested to know what are some of the reasons that many men who are on the down low stay in their heterosexual relationships with their wives?

I am always intrigued by the macho image of men who sleep with men on the low, but are indeed never going to leave their wives or family.  What are some of the reasons you stay?  What do men do to keep themselves happy in their marriage? 

I have been trying to rationalize the pros and cons to the down low lifestyle and now, I'm in a place where I am completely tired of living the facade.

What are your thoughts?

Emotional Roller Coaster

Well I'm back again with some interesting news and a need for some therapy.... Usually I try to blog to discuss my adventures, my pain, and the experience that I encounter while on this journey.  Well it's happened again.  I met this dude that now has caused me to be on an emotional roller coaster...  In the words of Vivian Green the lyrics explain it all:

Last night I cried, tossed and turned, woke up with dry eyes

My mind was racing, feet were pacing

Lord help me please tell me what I have gotten into.

Ran my 3 miles to clear my mind, it always turns me out

Its my therapy when I'm losing it which is usually

I'm on a emotional roller coaster

Loving you ain't nothing healthy

Loving you was never good to me

But I can't get off

So in a previous post, I told you that a guy named Bernard, who I had an encounter with had contacted me a few weeks ago.  Well he was hoping that we would have a 3some with his friend, "Mario" but the 3some never happened.  However, in the exchange of conversation he sent my number to his friend Mario and he and I began texting and talking.  One thing lead to another and before I knew it we had talked so much that I had over 2000 text messages in my phone between he and I.  We even had exchanged pictures via text... Ahem!!  We had connected on a spiritual, emotional, and intellectual level that I hadn't connected with a guy like this in a very very long time.  It was nice and refreshing to say the least. 

Mario is an attractive, 30 something, African American that is about 6'3", bald head (my weakness) and has an incredible smile and eyes, and extremely kind hearted!  His wife is a doctor, and he is a professor, and father or a beautiful 10 month old daughter.  He is amazing, he is caring, he makes me laugh, and he is always concerned about my feelings and the funny thing is we've only known each other really going on a little over a month now.  Well last Friday he invited me over to his home on his day off, and his wife was had been out of town for 2 weeks, so he said, "the coast is clear, i want to see you in person, i want to kiss you, i want to wrap my arms around you."  So i drove an hour and a half to meet him at his home.  When I pulled up the guard at the gate of the subdivision, stopped me and asked me who was I coming to visit... I told him and he waved me through.  As I pulled up to his address, I was blown away at the vastness of the home that I kept driving by a couple of times.  Apparently, he had been standing in the window waiting for me to pull up, because he called me and said, "I see you drove by, turn around and pull up to the driveway and I'll open the gate."  So I did.

I walked in and he was even more handsome, even more muscular, and even more attractive than his pictures.  He smile and as soon as he closed the door, he hugged me, and said, "i'm glad to finally meet you."  He embraced me for a while, and as he embraced me I could smell his cologne.  He then escorted me into his family room, where he was watching ESPN, catching up on the highlights of all the games he missed.  He offered me something to drink, which I declined.  I was already nervous.... I uttered "nice place you got here" and he responded, "oh this is nothing."  you should have seen our home in Miami.  I quietly nodded and said well excuse me Mr. Big Time.  we both laughed and smiled. 

I sat on a couch adjacent to the chair he was sitting in, but as he kept staring at me, I saw his bulge though his gym shorts standing up.  He then stood up and walked over to me and started to kiss me.  Kissing has always been my number one turn on.  I mean I can kiss so passionately and receive more satisfaction from that then actually fucking...i know weird isn't it.   Well one thing led to another and 3 hours later, we were laying beside each other, staring. I mean he ate my ass so many times that I lost count....LOL  Mario is the kind of lover that anyone would die for.  He is passionate and always makes sure during sex that I was being pleased.I was really feeling this dude, and not just from the sex, but from the conversations we had.  He even told me he thinks there was mutual attraction and affection there and we could evolve into being life long friends.

After that, we texted and texted each other and he asked me to come back down to have lunch with him, but the tone and nature of his texts had somewhat changed..  No more references to the deep sexual attraction that we both had, or how cute he thought I was.  The conversation seemed to have changed. ....Well on Monday, I went down again to have lunch with him, and he told me a few days beforehand that he was off on Monday, so maybe we could meet again for another hot encounter.  But when Monday came, he said he had to go into the office and was not off, and that the lunch would have to be rushed.  Cool no problem, I will just plan to do some other things and see a few friends while I'm in the area. 

Lunch was awkward, and it was painful... Mario often drifted off somewhere else, and I had to make an exhaustive effort to continue to keep to the conversation going.  He finally said, "I think we should be just friends."  You are such a good person, that I don't want either of us to get hurt.  I value your friendship more than I do your body, so I think we should slow down."  INTERPRETATION:  I just wanted a one time no strings attached encounter, and I'm a fucking low life who was too scared to say that.

Hence the emotional roller coaster... I had genuinely opened up my heart to this guy thinking that he was genuinely feeling this new friendship but i was completely naive.  I've been here before, and I realize that when you're in the down low lifestyle, it is hard to establish a true solid connection with guys because of fear, or whatever.  Most times guys who are married or living down low, will use whatever they can to get the sex and move on.  Well I'm getting off of the emotional roller coaster....I think I've lived long enough, learned enough, and loved enough to know when someone is genuinely into me and when they are just looking to bust a nut. 

I received a text from him today saying "What's up sexy??  I'm coming to your city for a few days on business.  I guess we can continue part 2"

My response:  "Uh... no thanks, I'm reconsidering my priorities in life, and you didn't make the cut.  I realize I was just a convenient sex hookup, which is cool, just would have appreciated knowing that."

His response:  "Well I started acting differently because I like you and didn't want you to get hurt.  i was falling in love with the thought of us" (more bullshit, of course)

My response:  "thanks man, but i think I'd rather just move on.  Wish you the best."

Exactly what I'm talking about Emotional Roller coaster... well thanks for the ride (no pun intended) but I'm getting off (again no pun intended).  I realize now that I have some things related to the rejection issues I've faced when growing up, and so instead of going on an emotional ride.  I'd much rather be in control of the twists and turns that I go on.

A Blast From the Past, part I

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